Sophie's Challenges

Jodie wrote: ↑Sat Oct 28, 2023 8:01 pm I'm reading a book that my friend wrote. It's striking to see the difference between his upbringing and mine, his lack of entitlement and willingness to work for everything he wants, and how important it is to him to EARN whatever he gets, which he started doing when he was about 8. Often even when he earned money his dad took some or all of it, so he learned he’s not even entitled when he earns it.

I see how being entitled comes largely from just getting things like food & clothes without earning them, only because we’re the kid & that seems to be how it works… it seems as I grew up we were taught that just going to college made you entitled to a good job & decent income… Dating for a long time made you entitled to a happy marriage, exercising regularly made you entitled to good health, etc. Or maybe I just made that up from what I heard. I see the pattern for entitlement there.

One thing I noticed that I do… often on work days I have a voice that says ‘I need to do more’. If I were nothing, I wouldn’t even think this - it wouldn’t be relevant. I would just be doing. So I think entitlement supports this by saying I’m entitled to be someone who does more… so I’m entitled to call it wrong that I don’t.

Another thing I do is beat myself up, for whatever version of not being ‘better’ after this much time, etc. Entitlement supports this, because I’m entitled to be better than I am… it’s wrong that it hasn’t happened for me… again I’m entitled to be the arbiter, to judge it as wrong and not take responsibility for the fact that how I see things isn’t accurate, & that I’m not as smart as I think I am, and for not doing what it takes instead of waiting for it to happen.

If I were nothing, I would be doing what I do and I wouldn’t be thinking about myself and my performance.

What I’m doing instead is seeing that what I call it isn’t true… I’m not as smart as I think & I’m not entitled to call it anything or to be any different. Then becoming ‘nothing’, and looking again at what it is.

I’m mostly resting for now, but I’m looking at what there is to do.

Using the Structure for Fulfillment on this project of seeing how entitlement supports what I do:

PROJECT: LEARNING TO SEE HOW ENTITLEMENT SUPPORTS THE THINGS I DO, BY OCT. 31ST.

The WHY: To learn the practice and the discipline to see entitlement in many forms and contexts, to uproot it from my worldview and eliminate it so I can take the next steps towards a life that is meaningful and give Sophie a victory.

My attitude: I'm going to do all I can do to have a meaningful life. To do that I must be alive and healthy. I'm looking deep into entitlement and how it supports my calling how I am wrong, so I can see it everywhere and learn to recognize it and become free from it, free to think about others for a change. Just that for now.

I am that I am not entitled to call how I am wrong, and that I can and will create a new way of being so I can earn a life that is meaningful. I am that I can get to the core of what makes me unhealthy and create something new and inspiring instead.

The possibility is to break free from what keeps me from moving forward and reclaim power over my life and my choices. The possibility is to be finally free from what creates the space that allows deadly illness in, and to live a long and healthy life, free to expand and become who I was meant to be.

Other people have done it. I don't have the skills - I can only do it through DOING & through practice. I have the time and I am willing. It is realistic to think I could be healthy and able to work around entitlement. I have support, and I am willing.

The worth is not measurable - learning to stick to one thing, to be present, not in a hurry, to become one who is FREE from entitlement, and not only for myself...the opportunity is a life that is lived powerfully and is meaningful, and a win for Sophie after all of the agonizing effort to get me through the fog.

My first action step is to discover the entitlement behind and underneath 'how I am is wrong', and how entitlement supports that.

Next is to start recognizing it and taking responsibility for my inaccurate view & for the fact that I was never as smart as I thought I was, and consider that it ain’t necessarily so.

Jodie wrote: ↑Mon Oct 30, 2023 1:44 am I think the measurable result of that project will be that my cancer will not recur and I’ll be healthier, because I will be closing the space that allows it to grow & becoming willing and able to do for myself what needs done, & responsible for being far less smart than I thought I was. Also I would think my starting point numbers would improve, but not by the 31st… that would take more time. I guess nothing specific by the 31st though, so I see that makes it not an actual project. It’s my one thing’ for health & a life that’s meaningful.

Jodie wrote: ↑Mon Oct 30, 2023 8:45 pm One of the best things about the Eye-Q so far, besides the brain exercises, is it really shows me how much I am not as smart as I thought…I find some of the exercises HARD, and my reading speed is super low. If I wasn’t seeing it before I can clearly see it here.

Jodie wrote: ↑Wed Nov 01, 2023 10:24 pm I noticed a few things I do that are supported by entitlement that I hadn't seen before.

One is all of the times I've told my husband what to eat or drink, or what not to...I hate to say that it wasn't care, it was entitlement, as I see it. It was 'I know and you don't'. I was entitled to tell him, meanwhile that entitlement causes my cancer...not very smart.

I'm not even entitled to think I know...most of what I think I know is just parroting.

I noticed that when his ex-wife texts me that it's time for her money, I used to put off responding - entitled to put it off and not give her the respect of a quick answer. I have no entitlement there-she relies on that money and deserves a response. I remedied that today.

I noticed when I'm talking and my husband clearly isn't listening, the irritability I get is entitlement. But just because I'm talking doesn't mean I'm entitled to be listened to or heard. Seeing that made me look at what I was saying and it wasn't important at all. It wasn't personal -he was just distracted.

Chewing-wise, now that I am used to it, I don't tend to forget but I do get in a hurry and distracted. I like the exercise of being the boss and stopping, and taking control of the experience...it makes me see the possibility of doing that in other areas. A tiny glimpse of driving at least one thing in my life.

Jodie wrote: ↑Thu Nov 02, 2023 8:46 pm Ugh- this that Baheej wrote is exactly my thing with being smarter:

My arrogance in thinking so little of what it takes to be great is…well…arrogance.

Yeah, this is where thinking I'm SMART enough to come up with my own way has screwed me. Trying to be SMART was 'cutting off my nose to spite my face'.

I couldn’t say it any better.

I’m looking forward to the next challenge.