Sophie's Challenges

What surprised me was that for the first time I saw my husband as just like them...also accomplished, also learned from failures, also as comfortable talking about his failures as his successes (almost ...for some reason for years I've been seeing him as equal to me, that we're on equal ground at best, and in many cases I saw him as below me. You pointed this out to me from one of the 67 steps a while ago, I guess the extent of it didn't hit me until today. I'm not sure why...I guess since I became entitled to be superior and better than he is morally (ugh) I was entitled to drag him down to my level in business and saw others as more accomplished than both of us, which just wasn't true at all. He is on their level, not mine...I didn't see it this way before.

Jodie wrote: ↑Wed Nov 15, 2023 12:33 am I set out in this challenge using the attitude of bringing respect and appreciation specifically to my interactions with my husband, which got me to notice and appreciate the many things he has accomplished & all that he has done for me and for us, which I see now I have taken for granted, because I was entitled to those things… it’s clear there’s no room to appreciate when you’re entitled.

But after thinking about your response to my post, I tried changing it, to bringing the attitude I’ve been using of 'I am stupid...stupid opens the door to learning, curiosity, and a life' to my interactions with him.

The difference I noticed was that I started to see ways that HE knows and I DON’T…shocking since it’s the exact opposite of my typical ‘I know and you don’t’ attitude.

I have given respect to perfect strangers that I have called accomplished (I had no way of knowing for sure, I just assumed), that I have not been giving to my husband.

I don't know if I actually see it yet the way you mentioned… I can't say I felt uncomfortable, but kind of shocked, and stupid. When I first met him I was in awe of all that he knew and how accomplished he was. It seems over the years I started to see him as weak and needy and sadly more like a burden, and of course then morally corrupt (I'm rolling my eyes at that)...I was entitled to treat him in a condescending way, because I came to see myself as better.

Looking again at him through the eyes of stupid put him in a different light. I seemed to respect him more from stupid than from ‘respect & appreciation’.

When I made my purpose to include ‘to love and respect him exactly as he is’, my narrow view took that to mean I would accept the things I don’t like, and see the person, not the things. I never envisioned that ‘exactly as he is’ would mean I'd find that he knows & I don’t. What a turn.

I am still defaulting to entitled and condescending when he seems particularly needy to me. At that point I’m practicing stopping to say ‘I am stupid’. Often then I can see that I can actually learn from him. He is visibly puzzled when I start to ask questions to learn more, like he’s wondering what the ‘catch’ is, because I’ve been entitled & condescending for so long. When I look at how I’ve behaved through his eyes the entitlement & superior attitude is obvious. I think it must be how you mentioned a while ago, that probably everyone could see it but me.

I will continue to practice this, it seems to help me see him in a different light, and to see how entitlement has supported the way I've been interacting with him, making his accomplishments and contributions invisible because I've been entitled to them.

Jodie wrote: ↑Wed Nov 15, 2023 11:59 pm I got yet another big glimpse of how entitlement has supported how I am and how my relationship is today...there seems to be no end.

We met a stranger this morning, who I was so impressed with. He seemed to be oozing with living a life he loves and fulfilling a purpose. I normally would get overly impressed and jumpy and gushy in this situation...I had to rein myself in like with the chewing, and shut up and declare myself stupid and teachable. He ran a business for rehabilitating addicts. He absolutely loves it. I was so fascinated by his story... their main focus is to teach people that there is nothing wrong with them, because that's at the root of the addiction. I felt like I could really relate.

As we got to talking, to my own surprise I found myself starting to describe habits that my husband has, that are admirable and have led to his successes. I discovered that my husband actually has habits that I would like to emulate. Who knew? I have been looking down on who he is and what he does for so long I hadn't noticed. My husband almost fell out of his chair hearing me talk about it...I would normally be competing with him, making him look lower, entitled to 'embellish' to make myself look superior because I know and he doesn't.

None of this sounds noteworthy, but I would normally have jumped in and blabbed about all the ways I knew exactly what he was talking about, and all kinds of 'BS' to try to put myself on his level. Entitlement supports that entirely...it occurred to me that I've been entitled to manipulate my words to serve a purpose...to force an outcome, like a person's opinion of me, or to make someone like me, or whatever it is. If that's not being an arbiter of the universe, I guess I don't know what is...I've been entitled to use words to try to steer what others think for my own benefit. I see this is one way entitlement supports how I've been killing myself - I've been so careless with my words because I've been entitled to others' admiration or adulation or validation, or whatever it is, at the expense of speaking the truth...there's been a world of distance between the tongue in my mouth and the tongue in my shoes.

Being quiet and stupid was enjoyable...it was so pleasant to see someone who was driving their life and loving it and living it powerfully, in a way that could benefit so many. Enjoyable to pull the power into listening without thinking about what I had to come up with next to measure up.

Part of my purpose is to have a life that is more fun than not with my husband. I've been looking at why we don't have that.... entitlement has been square in the way of it. The self-importance has been such an all-encompassing serious thing that getting what I've been entitled to has been all I can see - a boulder where everything else disappears in the shadow. There's no chance of any kind of fun with that, let alone respect or appreciation. Only me and what I'm entitled to, convincing me that I'm a victim that's been wronged, or that I'm the very best at being the worst person ever. I've been blaming my husband for the fun being gone...it was totally invisible to me that I'm the one who sucked it away being entitled.

The big takeaway (thank you Baheej) was that pulling the power and attention into what I'm doing, even if it's just a conversation, truly opens the door to learning and curiosity, because all of the noise that entitlement is underneath is quieted...there is only the thing I'm doing. I learned things and I enjoyed it, which is so amazing to me. I still feel like I'm in kindergarten with this but I'm amazed at how enjoyable it is when I manage to do it. On top of that my husband wants to make a game plan as to how we get our marriage back on track all the way...I'm not sure what that means but it was totally unexpected.

Jodie wrote: ↑Sat Nov 18, 2023 1:08 am I had to re-visit my purpose again today, as I've had three days with a customer and have fallen behind a bit in other areas, and my husband seemed to be particularly needy during this time. I had the Opponent rearing its head where I was starting to be 'fake' nice, because that's my default. But I don't want that...it's contrary to my purpose, and shooting myself in the foot. It takes revisiting my purpose and declaring that I'm stupid to come back down and see that it benefits both of us to give him my respect and appreciation. I often don't catch this until after I hear myself being 'fake nice' or condescending...I see that it will take a lot of practice. Luckily my husband has become more forgiving.

When I finally dropped off my customer and headed back home, he asked for something he really wanted for dinner and also if he could invite a friend over. My default was 'how dare he? He knows I haven't had a moment to myself the last three days'... it was a 'poor me, I've been working so hard, I've been wronged'. I ended up having to laugh at myself because I could see what a sissy I was being...I actually had to work a tiny bit and became an entitled victim, entitled to my precious time and to not be bothered because I actually put in some effort for a change. So silly.

I looked at my purpose, and that what would be juicy would be to love and respect him exactly as he is. In that light, he becomes a person, who has every right to ask for what his preference is, as I have the choice to agree or not. Nothing more than that. It seems that once the focus is off of me and my precious time, I can see that I didn't work hard at all, certainly not as hard as he's been working. Besides that I enjoyed what I had to do. There was room to respect and appreciate his efforts and then WANT to give him the small thing he asked for, and to pull my power into doing it, where I find I enjoy it. It really is amazing how we thwart our own long-term interest in the short term with the entitled attitudes...there's still plenty to do in terms of getting over myself. I'm so grateful to have some tools for doing it...thank you again, Sophie.

Jodie wrote: ↑Sun Nov 19, 2023 11:21 pm Today my husband was having a difficult day again with his situation. Of course the indignant and superior attitude came right out initially...entitled to be condescending and superior because he was unfaithful. This time it only lasted for a moment. I had to stop and look at him, and put myself in his shoes. He's really in an awful situation, agonizing...I have done nothing but criticize how he's handling things, but honestly I'm not sure what I would do in his shoes.

Looking at this I can see it's not about me, not about her being disrespectful about my marriage, none of that... it's just people doing what they're doing, or probably letting rackets determine what they do, just like I do.

The worst thing I saw was another way that entitlement has supported the things I do....in those moments when he is having a hard time, I see now he has such a hard time because he really feels like a failure in those moments. Those moments are when I typically would seize the chance to make him feel guilty...pure entitlement. I've been entitled to call myself right and him wrong and weak, and being entitled justified making him feel badly about himself and what he did. There's no love or concern there at all...just me being superior and entitled to make him pay for how he wronged me. I'm ashamed of that now that I can see it...being so entitled there's been no room at all to see how he's suffering.

I looked again at my purpose....I have to admit that when I said it would be juicy to feel like I have a life partner who is on the same team, I mostly (or maybe totally) meant HIM getting on MY team...not consciously, but no doubt that was underneath it. Today I had to look at that...I have not been on his team or even in his ring through any of this.

I can see now that being indignant and entitled because I was wronged did not work - it results in the opposite of my purpose. I don't know if I can help him with his struggles, but maybe with the attitude of being on HIS team, I can at least stop making it worse, and at best maybe even help him in some way just being in his corner.

What I saw to do was to get out of the way, and tell him to please go ahead and do whatever he needs to do to get a little peace of mind, and just be in his corner, on his team.