Sophie's Challenges

Jodie wrote: ↑Thu Nov 30, 2023 2:48 am I made another mistake today, something I've been doing that I hadn't noticed before.

I accidentally threw something away that we needed, and in my mind it wasn't a big deal because I could just get it out of the trash. My husband saw it differently - he saw an enormous major mistake that could have been disastrous.

In my mind there were other ways to get what I accidentally threw away even if I couldn't retrieve it, so I saw no need for panic. What I did was try to calm him down....it seemed like the 'right' thing to do, that would work towards my purpose. None of the calming worked, in fact it made things worse, so I had to look at it.

I actually thought that it worked towards my purpose to be calm and to try to make him calm, then we could both be calm and all would be well. I was wrong about that....I see that I was in reality being entitled, entitled to be the arbiter (AGAIN) - calling it wrong that he was upset and right that I wasn't, calling myself the smarter calmer one, being the one who knows, and he doesn't, so it's up to me to spread calm upon the land. I didn't see this before.

This is a pattern for me, how I do anything is how I do everything. I've done this with both husbands many times. I have seriously irritated my mom and my sister the exact same way countless times over the years. It's fine to be calm, I see that, but I became the arbiter, and I called calm 'right' and panicking 'wrong', and called myself the one to educate everybody. So arrogant...so ugly.

Worse than that I found it hard to say I'm sorry...the arrogant entitlement was hanging on. But apologizing for making light of what he had every right to consider important would work towards my purpose- that was worth the moment of eating crow.

This is one where I thought I was working towards what I want, and found that entitlement made its way in there underneath where I didn't see it - a true Opponent. I didn't see it until I explored why I was getting results opposite of what I was going for. Being stupid was the thing that enabled me to look at his point of view, and see that all I was doing was belittling something he found important. I didn't catch this in time to avoid it today, but for the first time after doing this for years I see this for what it is, more entitlement. So ugly, but a big lesson today, one that I'm sure I will revisit.

yes. Entitlement is underneath 90% of our behavior. Very rare are the ones it isn't underneath. If you pay attention, the Sight capacity, looking at something from HIS vantage point, aka Driftwood was not able to come out because of the entitlement that says: 'only what I think matters.'

I’ve been with family, so I might not be thinking clearly…but I have been practicing including and allowing, as I’m spending time with my dad and he is changing, getting more irritable and short with people as he gets older.

It is easier with this scenario, I think, because he must be feeling frustration with starting to lose his memory, and I’m sure there must be fear…in light of that, it is easier to step out of my own way and include and allow-it’s not about me and I’m not entitled to have everyone behave the way I want them to.

But how I do anything is how I do everything, and I see this piece has been missing from my relationship- including and allowing is the key to my purpose of loving and appreciating my husband exactly as he is.

I saw from Baheej’s post that I also have judged people who throw up their hands and wait for God to fix everything, except in my case I’ve been one of those people most of my life, so I should be the first one including and allowing it. But I became again the arbiter, entitled to call them wrong, and myself the one who knows & they don’t. I didn’t see this before…I see now that it’s pure entitlement. I can have compassion for those people, I know how that feels and how people cling to that.

Being entitled to be the arbiter of the universe is a road block to including and allowing…it’s clear to see how it’s the first boulder blocking the rest of the path, there would have to be including and allowing in every area of life to fulfill the overall ‘north star’ of a life worth living.

Jodie wrote: ↑Mon Dec 04, 2023 12:07 am I’ve been with family, so I might not be thinking clearly…but I have been practicing including and allowing, as I’m spending time with my dad and he is changing, getting more irritable and short with people as he gets older.

It is easier with this scenario, I think, because he must be feeling frustration with starting to lose his memory, and I’m sure there must be fear…in light of that, it is easier to step out of my own way and include and allow-it’s not about me and I’m not entitled to have everyone behave the way I want them to.

But how I do anything is how I do everything, and I see this piece has been missing from my relationship- including and allowing is the key to my purpose of loving and appreciating my husband exactly as he is.

I saw from Baheej’s post that I also have judged people who throw up their hands and wait for God to fix everything, except in my case I’ve been one of those people most of my life, so I should be the first one including and allowing it. But I became again the arbiter, entitled to call them wrong, and myself the one who knows & they don’t. I didn’t see this before…I see now that it’s pure entitlement. I can have compassion for those people, I know how that feels and how people cling to that.

Being entitled to be the arbiter of the universe is a road block to including and allowing…it’s clear to see how it’s the first boulder blocking the rest of the path, there would have to be including and allowing in every area of life to fulfill the overall ‘north star’ of a life worth living.

this post came out preachy. Now I know how you are with people... 'I know and you don't and I'll tell you'

not attractive.

I'm digesting a lot today. I'm looking at my relationship since starting the challenge, and overall it is different.
When I got back from my trip I felt the same 'default' attitude of not looking forward to seeing him, and then I thought about how different and enjoyable it has been as of late, and I actually looked forward to seeing him. I doubted that was possible when I started.

But I'm looking at the question you raised...did I BRING 'happy to see him'? Did I bring happy? Or am I just appreciating him more because of the changes HE has made? Because he is more enjoyable to be around now that he is changing, and also having hardly any mood swings since taking the lithium? I think it's the latter unfortunately.

I re-visited my purpose today, and re-committed to bringing respect and appreciation to my interactions with him, and not riding on the coat tails of the changes he has made.

This evening he went to a meeting, where other people in the meeting told me he was brilliant. I would normally downplay this, because it would give him a big head and he wouldn't stop talking about it. (Entitlement, to not have someone other than me be recognized for their genius.) Bringing respect and appreciation changed that...I was happy for him, and proud of him, and I wanted to know all the details. It was a better way to be, more enjoyable for both of us....the key will be to become that, and not just bring it as the part I'm about to play. Bringing my own respect and appreciation adds a different energy to the interaction than just liking how he is more than I used to...that is something I think I can practice to where I learn to recognize the difference.

I have a lot more work to do. As much as I have been discovering entitlement, it still seems to be having my lunch.

Jodie wrote: ↑Fri Dec 08, 2023 1:57 am I'm digesting a lot today. I'm looking at my relationship since starting the challenge, and overall it is different.
When I got back from my trip I felt the same 'default' attitude of not looking forward to seeing him, and then I thought about how different and enjoyable it has been as of late, and I actually looked forward to seeing him. I doubted that was possible when I started.

But I'm looking at the question you raised...did I BRING 'happy to see him'? Did I bring happy? Or am I just appreciating him more because of the changes HE has made? Because he is more enjoyable to be around now that he is changing, and also having hardly any mood swings since taking the lithium? I think it's the latter unfortunately.

I re-visited my purpose today, and re-committed to bringing respect and appreciation to my interactions with him, and not riding on the coat tails of the changes he has made.

This evening he went to a meeting, where other people in the meeting told me he was brilliant. I would normally downplay this, because it would give him a big head and he wouldn't stop talking about it. (Entitlement, to not have someone other than me be recognized for their genius.) Bringing respect and appreciation changed that...I was happy for him, and proud of him, and I wanted to know all the details. It was a better way to be, more enjoyable for both of us....the key will be to become that, and not just bring it as the part I'm about to play. Bringing my own respect and appreciation adds a different energy to the interaction than just liking how he is more than I used to...that is something I think I can practice to where I learn to recognize the difference.

I have a lot more work to do. As much as I have been discovering entitlement, it still seems to be having my lunch.

Regardless of the issues, your accuracy in actually getting the questions to look at is increasing, so you are able to widen your scope when I ask you to. That wasn't always the case. good direction. thank you

I noticed something interesting today, not necessarily good news, about interacting with my husband.

Today he didn't answer his phone or read his text when I let him know I was running to the grocery store, and it really upset him. He seemed to be having one of those elevated emotion moments. (He has hardly any of these since starting the Lithium Orotate, and his blood sugar has been much more level, which is great.) What I noticed is there seems to be, at least for me, a fine line between not taking it personally and being superior.

One really great thing that has come out of this challenge is that overall our communication is much easier. It seems neither of us are protecting ourselves so rigidly. Even when issues come up between us, it seems that we both handle it differently because neither of us are willing to give up the connection we're starting to put together. Neither of us beats a dead horse to make a point like we used to, or stays offended for hours, because it seems like it's no longer worth it....not worth going backwards.

But today when he got very upset, my goal was to not exacerbate, to not take it personally, to stay level. But in choosing my words I found 'superior' creeping in, wanting to downplay it and make him see how unreasonable he was being. So I didn't want to downplay it, or be condescending. I decided to let him know everything was okay... but everything wasn't okay for him, so I think that was superior as well. I know now from you that pretending to understand how he feels is also superior...superior seems to be underneath everything, even when I think I'm working towards my purpose. Saying there's nothing to be upset about, or he should have answered the phone, or any of that was not helpful. This has come up before...a big thing for me to be careful of is being entitled to call his reaction 'wrong' and my calmness 'right' and superior. Ugh.

What seems to be most helpful, which is what I want to practice, is putting myself in his shoes and hearing the words I'm going to say, ideally before I say them. In that light what sounds good to me sounds stupid or self-righteous or condescending most of the time. In that light, all there was to say was 'I'm sorry I upset you, I didn't intend to...I'll try harder to reach you next time'. All of the other things I wanted to say (some that I did say) didn't help. Saying that on the phone, and then again when I saw him at home, and then giving him space (another thing I'm not known for), seemed to be the thing that allowed him to come back to center in his own time, and then he was fine.

I say it's not necessarily good news because I see that even when I have my purpose in mind and think I'm choosing my words deliberately, they can come out just as entitled and superior. Superior is a MAJOR Opponent for me. The other thing I see that I did is I forgot to bring respect and appreciation. When these altercations come up in the future it will be my signal to watch for superior, try to recognize it by hearing my words from his point of view before I say them, and remember to bring respect and appreciation.

Jodie wrote: ↑Thu Dec 14, 2023 12:54 am I noticed something interesting today, not necessarily good news, about interacting with my husband.

Today he didn't answer his phone or read his text when I let him know I was running to the grocery store, and it really upset him. He seemed to be having one of those elevated emotion moments. (He has hardly any of these since starting the Lithium Orotate, and his blood sugar has been much more level, which is great.) What I noticed is there seems to be, at least for me, a fine line between not taking it personally and being superior.

One really great thing that has come out of this challenge is that overall our communication is much easier. It seems neither of us are protecting ourselves so rigidly. Even when issues come up between us, it seems that we both handle it differently because neither of us are willing to give up the connection we're starting to put together. Neither of us beats a dead horse to make a point like we used to, or stays offended for hours, because it seems like it's no longer worth it....not worth going backwards.

But today when he got very upset, my goal was to not exacerbate, to not take it personally, to stay level. But in choosing my words I found 'superior' creeping in, wanting to downplay it and make him see how unreasonable he was being. So I didn't want to downplay it, or be condescending. I decided to let him know everything was okay... but everything wasn't okay for him, so I think that was superior as well. I know now from you that pretending to understand how he feels is also superior...superior seems to be underneath everything, even when I think I'm working towards my purpose. Saying there's nothing to be upset about, or he should have answered the phone, or any of that was not helpful. This has come up before...a big thing for me to be careful of is being entitled to call his reaction 'wrong' and my calmness 'right' and superior. Ugh.

What seems to be most helpful, which is what I want to practice, is putting myself in his shoes and hearing the words I'm going to say, ideally before I say them. In that light what sounds good to me sounds stupid or self-righteous or condescending most of the time. In that light, all there was to say was 'I'm sorry I upset you, I didn't intend to...I'll try harder to reach you next time'. All of the other things I wanted to say (some that I did say) didn't help. Saying that on the phone, and then again when I saw him at home, and then giving him space (another thing I'm not known for), seemed to be the thing that allowed him to come back to center in his own time, and then he was fine.

I say it's not necessarily good news because I see that even when I have my purpose in mind and think I'm choosing my words deliberately, they can come out just as entitled and superior. Superior is a MAJOR Opponent for me. The other thing I see that I did is I forgot to bring respect and appreciation. When these altercations come up in the future it will be my signal to watch for superior, try to recognize it by hearing my words from his point of view before I say them, and remember to bring respect and appreciation.

when the personality is the focus, upset results. When the space between the two, the space of we is the focus, the personality is untouched, and no upset.

I'll attempt to teach this... probably the biggest difference between a human and a human being.

"when the personality is the focus, upset results. When the space between the two, the space of we is the focus, the personality is untouched, and no upset."
Sophie, I told that Jodie that I admire her for the work she's doing in her relationship. From where I stand, it seems like it is its own workshop. I want to experience the space of we as a focus.

When Jodie was writing about being superior, I saw that have the same issue to whatever degree, for sure. I see it in my relationship with my mother. She does things the way she does them, and I look upon her as if I am superior to her.

We don't have as much close contact as Jodie and her husband so the upsets are more subtle, maybe, but when the 'voice' judges, I too often go with it.

Lately it has been that my mother will move something around or do something that "I" don't think matters, and I'll judge her for it as if I'm the arbiter of the universe. So there is some work for me.

Thank you both

There are a few big things I am noticing right now, in terms of my relationship and the Purpose challenge.

One is all about my husband. He seems to be finding his way back to himself, which is really wonderful to see. He has broken off contact with the other person completely and blocked her calls, and has stopped supporting her financially. I tried to force him to do that for years...once I stopped forcing and started being on his team, he did it himself in a couple of months. It has been about a week now, and he's been saying how difficult it is, but today he said he finally felt free, which is something I've wanted for him for so long.

I'm looking at the whole affair now as a bad decision that has really taken a toll on him, to where I want to be as supportive as I can to help him through it. Entitlement has made me want so badly to make it about me and use it as my justification for being right and being a victim, but it wasn't about me...in fact looking at my entitlement has made it perfectly clear why it probably happened in the first place. The times when I am still superior and condescending (I don't think I'll ever be rid of it completely, but I'm letting those arrows land where they land), he handles it much better and isn't so offended, which in turn seems to help me to snap out of it.
I'm so happy for him...he is more active in work and enjoying it more, taking more control in other areas, making decisions again, and he seems to be getting his 'groove' back.

The other big thing I'm noticing is that the new ease in communication and the renewed enjoyment with each other's company is very motivational to keep the purpose in mind... now there is the purpose to work towards, plus the progress made that it's not worth losing ground on.

I would say he's made more progress than I have...he is more patient with me, kinder, and more considerate. What I notice most is it feels like I look at him more as a person now. I had been looking at him more like a charity case...I'm ashamed to admit that. I saw him as a total mess, letting this woman drag him down and just being there to pick up the pieces and take care of him. But I see now that I wasn't picking up any pieces and I wasn't doing him any favors, I let her drag him down and then I pushed him further with my entitlement and superiority. Now when I look at him I consider more of the 'whole package'...I look at what he's working on, what he's dealing with in that moment, how HE seems to be feeling, not as it relates to me. It also sheds light on the fact that I could stand to be less of a taker and do more contributing. What I'm working on including now, in addition to being stupid and bringing respect and appreciation, is finding a way to have a win-win every day, as you mentioned, rather than waiting for that one big day where I finally get it and have one big transformational win-win. I didn't realize I was doing that, but I was. I guess I have been ONLY for me, not looking at where others could benefit.

I can't say I've achieved any major transformation, just that I can see the process in motion, and it has made our day-to-day life exponentially better and is real motivation to continue. None of this could have happened without this challenge, we were going in the opposite direction. For a very long time I couldn't even bring myself to walk up and give him a hug and some encouraging words...I didn't want to give him even that. I didn't realize that until I did it, and realized I couldn't remember the last time I did. Looking back it seems like there was something comfortable about feeling justified in my 'right'-ness that I really didn't want to give up. It's been a lot of wasted time, but it's where the arrows landed and I can build from here. Thank you again for this, Sophie.

I hope you don't mind me replying. I just want to publicly thank you for sharing all of your posts.

A while back Sophie would say to put your whole life into the work we were doing in her classes and so forth. I quite frankly did not get it, and I will still argue with you that I am the densest of us all. LOL The point is that I am seeing where the work we're doing has the potential to permeate all aspects of our lives.

I better saw the benefit of these challenges yesterday, in fact. I was talking with a friend who I shared what we were up to in the Drink Your Food challenge. She said she did it for 2 weeks ( which is actually something). She talked about being more present and not having as much anxiety as she normally would. The thing that really got me to appreciate more what we have is that we have this forum to support us moving forward. I may not have made it even 2 weeks without this.

Oh! one more thing: I have been watching the light bulb video. And if I have at least this correct, the nature of life is that we are on and we are off. So you are on and off at the level where you are, I think. I am on and off at the level I'm at. It seems the level is the Evolutionary Stable Strategy. You not wanting to lose ground on the progress you've made seems to be reasonable when you've earned your way to that level- ESS.

Also, if I have this correct, you don't have to have a so-called perfect record in the interactions with your husband. Because you're keeping the purpose in the forefront, you seem to be trending to a higher ESS that allows for you to be off sometimes and on sometimes- stable at that level.

If this is off, then Sophie will straighten me out soon enough.

Again, thank you Jodie for some space to work out some things for myself.

PS. We are pulling for you Sophie.