Sophie's Challenges

Thank you so much Baheej, it is helpful to look at it in the light of the light bulb video... I didn't put that together. There's no such thing as 'being stupid and bringing respect and appreciation' as a constant. I think you're right, we go on and off until there is a stability maintained at some level, and hopefully the level gradually gets closer and closer to the purpose...I experiment with different things that I say in different situations, and most don't work, which helps me eliminate those to get to the ones that do, so I oscillate between superior/smart and, hopefully, teachable/stupid. Successes and failures. It brings to mind the Zen-master part of that bullseye article, where he says the point of shooting and missing the target blindfolded is to not forget the target.

It's so helpful to look at it in this light, because the 'downturns' where I'm condescending and superior are opposite of what takes me to my purpose. If I'm seeing it correctly, the 'Child' part of me that misunderstands things is condescending to make myself superior, and stands in the way of the purpose. The 'Adult' part doesn't take anything personally and isn't concerned with who's right and who's wrong...it takes giving up superior to get to the Adult part it seems. But the ups and downs are constant, and that's the nature of things - thank you for pointing that out, it seems to be a better way to look at it as the ups and downs that are the nature of things, 'all in a day's work'. As I'm looking at it now, the up and down oscillation is between the personality and the 'we'.

There's a part of that article that I don't think I understand, and that is that we will need to work with the child so it can get what it wants without destroying our chances for a good life. If it's correct that the child is 'superior', what does it want? Recognition or adulation, I would think...to be recognized for its genius probably in my case, as that was my biggest complaint. I'm not sure how to give it what it wants without destroying my chances for a good life. I haven't listened to the video enough times - thanks also for the reminder to go back and listen to it more. Maybe giving it what it wants means acknowledging it, allowing it to be...accepting that I'm superior and entitled and that's okay, it's a work in progress. I need to look at that more. Thank you again Baheej, for shedding that light on it.

Jodie wrote: ↑Sun Dec 17, 2023 11:47 pm Thank you so much Baheej, it is helpful to look at it in the light of the light bulb video... I didn't put that together. There's no such thing as 'being stupid and bringing respect and appreciation' as a constant. I think you're right, we go on and off until there is a stability maintained at some level, and hopefully the level gradually gets closer and closer to the purpose...I experiment with different things that I say in different situations, and most don't work, which helps me eliminate those to get to the ones that do, so I oscillate between superior/smart and, hopefully, teachable/stupid. Successes and failures. It brings to mind the Zen-master part of that bullseye article, where he says the point of shooting and missing the target blindfolded is to not forget the target.

It's so helpful to look at it in this light, because the 'downturns' where I'm condescending and superior are opposite of what takes me to my purpose. If I'm seeing it correctly, the 'Child' part of me that misunderstands things is condescending to make myself superior, and stands in the way of the purpose. The 'Adult' part doesn't take anything personally and isn't concerned with who's right and who's wrong...it takes giving up superior to get to the Adult part it seems. But the ups and downs are constant, and that's the nature of things - thank you for pointing that out, it seems to be a better way to look at it as the ups and downs that are the nature of things, 'all in a day's work'. As I'm looking at it now, the up and down oscillation is between the personality and the 'we'.

There's a part of that article that I don't think I understand, and that is that we will need to work with the child so it can get what it wants without destroying our chances for a good life. If it's correct that the child is 'superior', what does it want? Recognition or adulation, I would think...to be recognized for its genius probably in my case, as that was my biggest complaint. I'm not sure how to give it what it wants without destroying my chances for a good life. I haven't listened to the video enough times - thanks also for the reminder to go back and listen to it more. Maybe giving it what it wants means acknowledging it, allowing it to be...accepting that I'm superior and entitled and that's okay, it's a work in progress. I need to look at that more. Thank you again Baheej, for shedding that light on it.

Jodie,
I think in your originating incident your father didn't allow you to enjoy success. And now you think that you'll never have it. But a is a. When you get what you went for is success. when you got not what you want for is still a is a... you got what you got. you want different? do different.

I'm still working on my purpose to life… the biggest takeaway that I have so far from this is that the problems we've had since the affair have been far more of my causing than my husband's.

Recently from the calls with Sophie I see that there's been a big area where I've been thinking I'm doing 'the work' and working towards my purpose, and it's been the Opponent all along that I didn't see. Specifically it's been when there's some kind of unrest between us...if he's irritable with me and I'm not sure why, if he's in a place where he seems to want to pick a fight, or even if he seems to be unreasonably emotional about something, my 'move' has been to be silent, or even to apologize for whatever he's irritated about, when I really just thought it was unreasonable. Then when it didn't escalate, I considered it a victory and a step towards my purpose.

The reality is that those actions have had superior and entitled underneath them...even more of the forcing. Even my silence has been a 'move', to say that I'm better, I know and he doesn't, and it's up to me to fix it...meaning I've been saying 'I want A to be B, A is wrong'. I've been thinking I'm working towards my purpose, but in reality I've been placating, and inauthentic, and superior, patting myself on the back for avoiding a fight.

I've created an attitude that I bring respect and appreciation, and I love him exactly as he is, and as he isn’t, but pretending to apologize or being condescendingly silent is not loving him exactly as he is and isn't. I'm seeing that there hasn't been authentic care and concern and love & acceptance for how he is and how he isn't. I guess I've been lying to myself and to him.

A true 'win-win', I think, would be that I jump into whatever he's feeling, jump into the same water as Sophie says, and bash through it with him, with the overall purpose of loving him exactly as he is and as he isn't. I see that if things become easier between us because I've been pretending to be agreeable, I'm just shooting myself in the foot and working against my purpose. I'm calling it the Opponent because I didn't see that I was doing it...I actually thought I was working towards my purpose doing this, and superior/entitled was underneath the whole time. I think I need to start over in this area.

Ok. I'm looking at structuring another Bring Purpose to Life challenge/project. The project is maybe a bit lofty for me, but it is creating a Freelance Purchasing business. Not a big business... tiny steps at a time.

The Day 1 video says clearly that I need to be willing to be a bumbling idiot...I can't see that I could be anything other than that, this is so foreign to me. So I'm going to bumble through on this forum, and however it goes it goes. I'm considering that I either take some steps to create my life, or it will be created for me just as it has for the past 55 years that I've been waiting for 'the magic thing' to fall into my lap.

The context is to prove to myself that life can be meaningful if I can manage to grow, and to experience self-worth for the first time, even if it fails, and to experience what it's like to start to earn my own way again.

I have to think about my 'to what end'....what would be so good that I hate myself, what the measurable result will be, and what the time frame should be. I'm still working on this part.

My 'who' is I am that my customer is well taken care of. Beyond that, so far I'm inundated with voices telling me I'm totally kidding myself, so my purpose is going to have to be seriously juicy.

I can see I'm like Bob the Butler in that I'm clueless, and I have no concept of doing something 'better'. The big challenge I can see, where I'm NOT like Bob the Butler, is my 'MO' is to make it all about me....the challenge will be to just 'let a f**kup be a f**kup, pay the price and move on', as Sophie puts it (thanks again for those links Baheej!) ... and still care about the people who maybe will end up hating me. This is the BIG area that shows me that I've always been in the faces, because I've always made it about my performance, my screw-up or my doing it wrong, all about me....being the arbiter of right and wrong because I've been entitled to.

I have no clue what I'm doing but I have to start somewhere...I will not be offended if it becomes too boring to read. But what I hadn't seen before is that it seems like it will be a great place to practice with the space, distinguishing the space and identifying it, and learning to 'be' the space, where my heart can't be about me...where I only exist as the space for life to play out. It sounds peaceful to me, actually. There's no me and my performance, there's only 'it worked or it didn't'. So as clueless as I am right now, I'm looking forward to bashing through this and seeing how it goes.

Ok-my first stab at the formulation process :
What do I want to accomplish?
I want to be a resource for companies who are looking for a source for something they need, and they don't know where or how to look, and/or can't find it.
I want to form beneficial partnerships where people know they can come to me, they feel they get enough value for their money to pay me for my time, and they return for repeat business.
I want to have the experience of building something, providing a service people want, feeling like I can actually help people, and earning money for my hard work and efforts.
What I'm building with that is a business I feel good about...maybe I'm not getting rich but I'm accomplishing, doing something that I love, where other people can also benefit.
With that, I'm building a life where my work is FUN. I enjoy the 'hunt' to find things, and I enjoy making people happy by finding what they need.
With that, I have an occupation where my heart is in the right place, where I'm on the side of the customer, and what makes me happy is serving and making them happy.
With that, I'm building the possibility of feeling better about myself, and becoming comfortable with who I am.
With that, I'm building the possibility of a life that has meaning, and is juicy.
What would be juicy would be to go to work and find sourcing requests from customers, quote how long I think it will take to find what they need, and then get to the fun part of sourcing. Juicy would be calling the customer to give them the information faster than what I quoted, and building a relationship for repeat business. What would be so good I hate myself would be seeing my back balance gradually build from my own hard work.

I am still formulating my purchasing business, believe it or not. I've explored a few different angles, I'm paring it down to only offering purchasing solutions in the area that I know. Now I'm working on the structure, how I will charge, what I will and won't do, how I will track it, etc.

This is one Bring Purpose to Life challenge that I'm working on.

There is another though, back to basics with my original Bring Purpose to Life Challenge. I lost momentum with this, and it showed in my marriage. It's a bummer to see how quickly I can revert, however I learned in my first year and a half with Sophie that beating myself up about things like this is nothing but self-concern, and how I got so far off-track in the first place.

My 'North Star' is a life worth living. But what would be so good I would hate myself would be to feel like I have a life partner who is on the same team, where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is fun, more fun together than not. What would be juicy would be to love my husband exactly as he is, and as he isn't.

He at the same time has stopped taking that Lithium, and it shows. My immediate challenge is to refrain from being condescending when he goes off the deep end with his mood swings, and to get him back on that Lithium! So I'm back on this challenge as well. I have found that stating what would be 'juicy' is energizing and motivating, and helps me to make different choices in the moment.

I don't know if anyone still visits this forum, but this is a good place, in my opinion, to post and be accountable for what we're working on, and for doing what we say we're going to do.

What I'm finding as I bash through each day, when my initial thoughts go to 'there's no way I can do this without Sophie, I'm probably screwing up right now without even realizing it', is that I end up at ALLOWING. And another brilliant older article, about How to Succeed in a World Dominated by Fixing. She gives three phases of real learning, real changing, that we can align ourselves with.

https://yourvibration.com/4616/phases/

Phase one: accepting, embracing, appreciating how it is.
Consider how it is. Consider that when you stop resisting how it is, then it actually can change. I am not saying it will change. I am saying: it can change. Your resistance to how it is what keeps it stuck.

Most people want to get unstuck, but never get to the root of being stuck: their own resistance to how it is.

So I'm going to spend some time on this phase, before I even think about phase 2.

I got a big lesson today, actually from my husband.

There have been several areas over the past year where Sophie has used my husband as an example of someone 'getting' something I've been missing.

It was Sophie who pointed out that this man that I have been so condescending to because of his 'marital infraction' is actually far more accomplished than others that I've shown respect and admiration for because of their accomplishments. There was a time when she was healing both of us at the same time, and his healing was going well, and mine wasn't...because he wasn't resisting, and I was.

Most recently, in our latest calls, when we were talking about health, and being on the side of life, she mentioned that a person has to have a reason to live, and most of us don't love ourselves enough to truly believe we deserve to live, so that reason has to come from somewhere else. She told me that until I could come around to 'There's no f**king way I'm going to die and leave my husband in a shambles', she would know she hadn't made a difference in me.

Today we met a woman who lost her husband less than a month ago, and she was completely broken hearted. After she left, my husband turned to me and said 'there's no way I'm leaving you to be broken hearted and alone like that'. It was the first thing that came to his mind.

Here I am starting over with my 'purpose to life' challenge, re-igniting the directive of what would be 'juicy', using it to come back around to loving my husband exactly as he is and as he isn't, and he got what is one of the biggest things Sophie tried to get through to me immediately.

It was a good lesson, good to see what that looks like when it's effortless. I still have much to do in terms of getting over myself.

Your posts are encouraging.

I'm looking again today at the notes I took on those last calls with Sophie.

I wrote a whole passage on 'Bob the Butler' while she was talking about it, that I'm thinking I can apply not only to work but to personal relationships.

Here's what I noted as she was talking about the movie, just in case it's of interest:

Bob is always exactly where he is. He has a SYSTEM...the phone book is his system. It would be good if we had a system. Bob gets fired fast - it's good to find out quickly what we're not a match to, and then get on to the next thing. People strive for success, instead of striving for 'fast failing'. Bob went for fast failing.

At each place that he worked, the people he worked with knew him and loved him. Why did they love him? What did he do differently?

Bob won the battle in the SPACE - he had the attitude 'I'm giving my very best, and I'm coming out on the other side as a success or failure.'
It says the exact opposite of what we are told in life.

You can only find out what you're good at when you throw your heart into it for a couple of weeks. In the SPACE is why Bob found joy in being a butler - his ONLY strength is that his heart is always in the right place. He chose people before rules and before judgement. He helped THEM be who they wanted to be. The happiness of the client was more important than anything else.

She noted the place in the movie where the daughter refused to come out from school because she was embarrassed to be picked up by someone dressed like a butler. The next day he scrapped his butler outfit and picked her up in regular clothes. Her point was to put people first, before rules or judgement.

I'm thinking about what she said regarding Bob winning the battle in the SPACE, by having the attitude 'I'm giving my very best, and I'm coming out on the other side as a success or failure'...end of story. This is totally different than how my attitude has been, which is 'I have to succeed or I'm a total failure, and it just confirms what I've always known, that I'm a failure.' Which I see now is what I said in the original incident.

Since Sophie has passed I'm seeing that I've been judging where I am and 'how I'm doing' constantly, because I've been so sure that there's no way for me to grow without her guidance. I'm seeing now that (a) this is nothing but self-concern, which is not the direction I want to proceed in, and (b) 'how I'm doing' is a question that can only be answered by my own judgement - it can only be how I perceive how I'm doing....what I call it. There is only WHAT I'm doing in reality, whether it's good or bad is nothing but a judgement call. I'm just doing what I'm doing, nothing more. It's for me to do it with all my heart, giving it my very best, and coming out on the other side as a success or failure, and then moving on from there.

In terms of my purpose to life, I'm finding that taking on this attitude makes me look more towards my husband, towards what he's needing, towards where he is struggling and what I can do to help with that particular thing. I'm finding that I have more to do with helping and/or hindering him than I realized. It's just now occurring to me (sadly) that putting people before principle would have made an enormous difference in my marriage. Being all about 'the principle of the thing' in my marriage seems to be what put me on the high horse of self-righteous and condescending within my marriage, calling him wrong for being unfaithful and calling myself 'right' because I wasn't. As Sophie put it, above all he is a person, and if my heart is in the right place, I'm putting the person before the rules, before the judgement.

It's so interesting to me that I each time I look over an article I've read before or even my own notes from a call, there is something new and different to see. I wonder if anyone else is seeing that as well. In that light, it's like there is endless learning in the articles that are already written...like there's a never-ending, living breathing library of infinite possibilities in what she left for us. What an incredible gift.

I'm about to showcase how dense I am, in talking about the Purpose to Life challenge.

It's truly unbelievable to me the difference in my relationship since re-starting this challenge. I would say I lost the focus on this almost completely after Sophie passed, and focused more (almost completely) on myself and 'what do I do now'...not very impressive, I know.

But I use the word dense because I actually didn't get the first time what the title really means. I heard 'purpose to life' like it was only a title of a challenge. What I see now is that this challenge actually gives life a purpose and a focus, and the over-riding 'north star' of a meaningful life along with the over-riding vision of what is 'juicy' gives an energy and a directive to actions I wouldn't otherwise look at or even notice that I can direct.

The attitude of 'I am stupid' (which I always have to start with) along with giving it my best, and coming out on the other side as a success or failure, has made me take notice of my husband and how he has been struggling. While I've been condescending and making him feel weak and un-supported, he's been struggling with enormous guilt about not one person but two people who were hurt, and he's been carrying more self-hate that he's generated himself than I could ever deal out with my self-righteous insults. I'm finding this humbling...I guess that's the word...more ashamed of myself. I've missed a lot of opportunities to build up, and instead did a lot of tearing down because I couldn't stop focusing on me and how wronged I was.

In this light, it suddenly occurred to me that there's no f**king way I want to die and leave him in a shambles. I'm so grateful for this challenge...my life goes so much more smoothly when I manage to use this, and it seems to help kick me out of my own way a little. It also really showcases what Sophie had said about how we sabotage our own desire to have a life that we love in the long term with the stupid nit-picky decisions we make in the short term, just so we can be right or protect ourselves somehow in the moment. I've been the poster kid for that and I'm sure that won't magically end, but I have to say that re-kindling this challenge has been even more eye-opening this time around.