Sophie's Challenges

I'm noticing as I go through this challenge that the night-and-day difference between our interactions has everything to do with whether my focus is on myself or on my husband. When I have the 'Purpose' as my overriding focus, my attention automatically turns to him...what he is going through, why he reacts the way he does, how the things I say and do must look like from his shoes. When I forget the overriding purpose, I'm all about me, and how I'm irritated, how I'm superior, how he's infringing on my time... I can really be a bitch, and the contrast that I see with this challenge is showing me how much. It's ugly to see how I can be and have been, but I have to say it's motivating...I don't want to be that person, and I didn't realize how much I have been that person. I can also see how he changes when he has just a little support and encouragement from me.

But I still don't think I'm 'getting' the space between us. Sophie said that the space is a 'WE'. In my eyes, I think, there's still 'me' and 'him', not 'US'. There's me and my time, him and what he's going through, etc... considering that the space consists of no people and no things, no faces, it would seem there's no 'WE' there. According to Sophie, the space just IS...it's there regardless of whether I notice it or observe it. She said there's nothing IN space, it's more a space OF something. It's for us to determine what it's a space of, then flow into it, take on the shape of it like water flowing into a vase, and become one with it. Be with it, and find what belongs and what doesn't. Wanting to fix it makes me in 'faces'...any wanting at all makes me in 'faces'. Resisting it, adding my own ideas to it, any of that puts me in 'faces', not the space. It looks like I'm still completely missing the boat on identifying the space, let alone trying to master it.

Sophie said that to create the space, a good place to look is at what people really want.... for example, my husband wants to feel loved, appreciated, well thought of, essentially he wants to feel good about himself. When he doesn't, I haven't brought that to the space. She mentioned once that he suffers because he has no support, because I don't have a shared space....and I'm not a space of peace, predictability and harmony, largely because my racket is that 'I'm not where I want to be'. So he can't feel safe with what I bring to the space, because I'm not where I want to be, and he's not where he wants to be either. She also said that thinking and suffering about it is not 'working on it'. I just am exactly where I am, end of story. At this point she again referenced Bob the Butler...he had a system, he was exactly where he was, and he gave the best of the best, succeed or no succeed.

I'm thinking this is where I need to put my attention...in trying to observe the space, and observe it as a SHARED space, and be deliberate about being exactly where I am instead of where I should be but I'm not.

I remember Sophie saying once in an article that Miko and William were her only two students who ever managed a space of "WE". I would love to know more detail about that...what did that look like? And what did it feel like? And how did you manage to get there, and did you know it right away when you did get there? I would love to know if anyone else has any experiences along these lines. I think I'm maybe spinning my wheels so far...I see such a huge difference when I manage to keep the Purpose to Life in the forefront, but it seems without getting to a shared space where there are no faces I'm probably still not really getting it.

There is a seemingly enormous gap or missing in getting to a space of 'We', when I look at my life. I have seemed to forget that I am where I am. My mind has been telling me that I am alone now that Sophie is gone, and I should check out. I don't know what direction I will go, but it is great to know that you are still making the effort.

I took your questions and forwarded them to Miko: "I remember Sophie saying once in an article that Miko and William were her only two students who ever managed a space of "WE". I would love to know more detail about that...what did that look like? And what did it feel like? And how did you manage to get there, and did you know it right away when you did get there?"

If I get any response, I'll forward it to you. Thank you

Baheej, THANK YOU soo much, that was great of you to do that, I'm hoping for a response....that's a great idea, I will email William about it as well.

I've been thinking about all the ways I think we can help each other.... all the times that Sophie mentioned where a student excels. I remember her mentioning more than once how Helen was the only one who managed to keep the sight capacity open, Paulo was 'up to something' and accomplishing, Trish and William did particularly well with 'allowing', as I recall, and I think completion as well... there were several times where you, Baheej, did extraordinary work that she mentioned, and she frequently mentioned to me how you were the one she could rely on to ask the right questions, and how you might be one that has their 'heart in the right place' at least some of the time. I remember her saying that Julia was the only one who really managed the 'sideways view', which I really worked on (or thought I did) and couldn't seem to master, and I even remember her early on talking about how Bahar managed 'soaring'. Most recently she told me that Adriana had managed to change her mind, which enormously improved her health. Adriana shared SO generously about what she did, here's what she said:

'I made a conscious effort to make a decision about living. I revisited the original incident, I saw how my life is because of what I said...it was a long and hellish process...'
'It's not like I'm clear of everything or something, or know exactly what the steps were, but I did what I could, partly because I got pissed and tired of hating how I lived.'
She went on to explain how she then determined the only thing she can do is to be PRESENT, and she started training her attention by listening to an audiobook on her work commute every day. The other thing is that she set her intention to pay attention to what she's listening to.... she said that then came the change in attitude and action. She said that paying attention to what she's doing, and being present, whether it's washing a dish or reading or walking down the street, that's the thing that always works for her.

She also said that she experimented with life from a different perspective and saw that she can have healthier relationships with the people around her and with herself, and that she doesn't have to stay in the hell she had been making her life... that made her not want to go back, because there's nothing for her there.

Baheej, you're not alone, although I COMPLETELY understand the feeling. My thoughts to you are that if you could envision what would really be 'juicy' for you, what would make life meaningful and a life worth living, and use that as a North Star, in my own experience there is suddenly a purpose behind everything, and a reason to choose differently than I normally would even with regular everyday stuff, and the results then are completely different, which is motivation to continue and to not go back... Sophie used to say the 'dangling carrot' is what worked best for her, I see this as basically that. I guess it's experimenting from a different perspective, as Adriana put it, to have the perspective of working towards something that is 'so good I hate myself', so good you can taste it.

When you say 'My mind has been telling me that I am alone now that Sophie is gone, and I should check out.', I can totally relate. It brings to mind that on one of our calls in December I think, we were actually talking about how my mind grinds away on things like that. Sophie told me that thinking is my worst enemy, that it's just coming completely from my mind, and to remember that the answers don't come from within...there's no way to resolve things by thinking them over and over, which is what I spent most of my year and a half with her doing. She finally told me that it boggled her mind that I actually think that's a good thing and that it might actually help me. She told me that learning and growing come ONLY through DOING.

But she said something else interesting that caught my attention - she said that one needs to be completely outside of the norm to think that DOING is better than THINKING, because of our ESS... the Evolutionary Stable Strategy likes no competition, and if we shake things up by DOING we shake it up and present competition to our Stable Strategy. As an example, she told me if I wanted to contribute more to the household income, as long as I'm NOT doing that, there's no competition to my ESS. But we have to compete with that ESS and move it to another level in order to grow. It seems like it feels 'right', in my experience, to stew about how I'm not where I should be. When I asked Sophie what to replace that with when my mind starts to go there, she told me to watch something mindless...a mindless movie or show or to start doing something where I can't think about that.

She said that every single person can start where they are, and not stop...that instead of comparing we can work with what we got...she said we're designed this way.

Please don't lose hope Baheej, every single person has something that would be 'juicy'...it just seems to take a LOT of baby steps and failures to get there, but as Sophie once said, the meaning is in the journey, not in the destination. The journey can be 'juicy'... ...please hang in there my dear friend.

P.S.... I would be completely heartbroken if you 'checked out', and judging from the enormous number of us who reached out to you first and foremost after Sophie passed, I guarantee I'm not alone in that sentiment. (I would post a heart emoji here if I could figure it out... )

I hope Sophie somehow knows that are you are still here carrying on among the willing. Your posts have been generous and often a lifeline.

Something just popped up in my awareness. In the movie Shawkshank Redemption, Andy said: "...get busy living or get busy dying"

This is the choice I have before me. I think I will do well to commit to one or the other. Certainly, it would keep me from going mad.

I have been having a real problem lately. I have a successful(by modern standards) family member who has been saying that I/we need to put God first and pray. Every ounce of my being has been resisting this. Thoughts like: who is he to impose his views on me; his religion is full of fucked up concepts; how dare he.

And then I remember, vaguely, Sophie talking about the practice of praying 5 times a day offering something along the lines of discipline, or at least the requirement comes with it more of an opportunity to build character. My point is I don't think it matters if what one believes in is true or not. It probably has more to do with who you can become with the practices that you actually do.

This is where I would usually make some bold statement about who I am going to be and what I'm going to do. The thing is... Sophie is no longer here to call me out and keep me in check. I was up for the challenge with her in my corner. And now, I'm sitting at the foot of the choice: get busy living or get busy dying.

Thanks a million Jodie

This is so interesting... I don't remember ever hearing her talk about prayer that way, but what you said makes sense, that "it probably has more to do with who you can become with the practices that you actually do." I would agree with that.

I've been disappointed in myself along those lines, looking at all of the tools that Sophie gave us to make a difference in our lives, and how few of them I'm using. It's so easy to start to feel hopeless... why on earth wouldn't I be doing every one of them religiously?

Anyway, I started digging around through articles, and I stumbled upon this one about Inspiration... how inspiration is when you feel a deep-rooted passion and motivation to do something. She recommends an inspiring move in it, called 'Something the Lord Made'...I never heard of it, but I will look for it...she details in the article how inspiring the main character is.

Here's part of the article... I hope it's of interest:

The number one communication tool you have available, is creating a vision in another person, about themselves, about a project, about the future.

When you can create a vision and communicate it to yourself or to another, all upsets disappear, and you have the amazing result: the person (you?) wants to do what is consistent with that vision… which is what you would want them to do.

All inspiration comes from the inside. But for that you need to look inward. Not just when you “want” something, always.
There is nothing worth having outside… not stuff, not status, no significance, no attention, no ‘love’, no worthy guidance, nothing worth having from the outside.

Your job is to look inside… And get all you want from there.

But, a big but at that: first you need to confront all the ways you don’t approve of yourself, all the ways you expect others, circumstances to give you everything…

oneness…and bring a kind eye to it.
Not forgiveness. Forgiveness presupposes that you did something wrong. No, you did something, society and you labeled it wrong, but it was just what you did. You’ve paid for it over and over, again. And more.

Forget forgiveness. No one can do anything to you, and you can’t do anything to anyone, including to yourself.

Bring consciousness, awareness instead. To the good, the bad and the ugly. See them for what they are, and move on.

Until you do, you can’t access your insides. Sorry…

So what can you do if your inspiration numbers are low? After all you cannot get inspired. After all you cannot inspire others effectively, so you cannot communicate. You can only coerce, force, cajole, manipulate, strong-arm… You live in the Valley of the Shadow of Death… the horizontal plane.

What can you do to move to the vertical plane?

I have homed in on the Winning and Keeping Love process… where what you do is obey Hillel’s first line: If you are not for you, who is for you? and start being for yourself what you hope others, luck, the Universe, god would give you. Because all doing comes from being: Hillel suggest you to BE for yourself.

I found this interesting in a lot of ways...one is that it looks like she created the Purpose to Life challenge based on this, it's all about creating a vision that you can see and taste and feel, to the amazing result that you want your actions to be consistent with that vision.

But the big takeaway for me was that all inspiration comes from the inside, except that first we need to confront all the ways we don’t approve of ourselves, all the ways we expect others, circumstances to give us everything, and bring a kind eye to it, and consciousness and awareness… that's the work I really think I need to do.

She mentioned a Winning and Keeping Love energy audio in this article, I don't remember that one... I will ask Kawa if it's still available.

This post proves timely for me, yet again. What I am interested in these days requires that I inspire to some degree, and that has not been possible because I haven't confronted all the ways I don't approve of myself.

This takes me back to my previous post where I see I can't do this half-heartedly. If I am to be an effective deal-maker, I will need to transfer a vision to another; so first things first. Right?

As for the Winning and Keeping Love audio, I have it. If, for whatever reason, Kawa isn't able to facilitate a transaction, ask how you can make an offering or something like that, and I can just forward you my copy. Just a suggestion

Thank you so much for that Baheej, I really appreciate it! Kawa is recovering from some illness after his travels but hopefully we’ll be back in touch again soon.

I’ve been traveling, on one hand doing what Sophie said not to do, living in a hurry & being too busy to be aware or be able to distinguish…on the other hand gathering input & contacts for my purchasing business & taking on another project with a beginning & end. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m taking on projects & being ‘up to something’ or if I’m just taking on more of the kinds of things Sophie was advising to say ‘no’ to. I guess there again I have a tough time distinguishing.

The main things I’ve been working on through all the busy-ness is being present in each thing, and in assessing if my heart is in the right place…if I’m doing things I’m doing because I love it & it makes me happy, and if others benefit that just adds to the happiness it brings, and that I’m for people, not for principles. I’m keeping as my ‘who’ ‘I am that my customers are happy & taken care of.’

Ugh- that’s all I’ve been able to keep in mind while rushing around…I can feel the cluelessness of a lower vibration, and I can hear Sophie calling me a moron. I sure miss her.

Something interesting seems to be happening with my husband, I wonder if it's a result of the Bring Purpose to Life challenge... suddenly he has started taking care of himself. He started intermittent fasting, which has had amazing effects on his blood sugar. He bought some new clothes, which he hasn't done in years...at some point years ago he seemed to stop caring about his health and his appearance, and now within the last 2 weeks' time he has made several changes to start taking care of himself.

I haven't been doing the very best job of loving him exactly as he is and as he isn't, but I have been keeping that purpose in mind and it does cause me to choose differently than I normally would in my interactions with him.

I don't know if the change in how I have been treating him is related to these changes, but it's interesting...saddening actually, to think that my being condescending and superior with him the way I have caused him to stop caring for himself... I'm not sure why he didn't leave.

But we still don't have a shared space, a space of 'we' and not 'me and him' separately.

I officiated a wedding last weekend (hilarious, I know)... but I'm not sure if I've ever seen two people more in love and more grateful to have found the other. I felt like I could really see a shared space between them...they thought in terms of 'we' and 'us', not as individuals. I'm not sure if I really know what a space of 'we' looks like, but it seems to me that was it, and it was obvious how special and comfortable and empowering it was for them both.

Sophie told me once that a shared space, a space of 'we' was only possible if BOTH people bring that attitude, which seems to make it even harder to get to... one person can't do it alone. It would also seem that the older we are, the more 'set in our ways', the less likely it would be for us to come around to it. It seems to be a good thing to strive for, though. I would still love to know more about the space of 'we'.

I'm still working on my Purpose to Life...I'm noticing that every time I get 'sideways' with it, I'm being entitled, or feeling 'wronged', or I have an expectation that isn't reasonable.

One thing I've been mulling over since Sophie's passing is the issue of Integrity....it seems no matter what I have worked on through the course of the year and a half with her, at some point everything came back to Integrity, because, as she put it, nothing works without it. So much of this work is declaring, declaring a context, declaring an attitude, declaring a beingness... and yet if our word has no power, the declaring itself is a problem. I'm thinking that my overall context, along with 'I am stupid...being stupid opens the door to learning, curiosity, and a life', must also include integrity. Not only doing what I said I would do, but not lying to myself...not saying 'just as soon as I do this I'll do that', or 'once this is finished I can do that'... I recently ran across an article where she said this is one of the most common ways we lie to ourselves, the worst kind of lying that we do, because it destroys our integrity and makes our word powerless. This is one I have done for as long as I can remember. My new created attitude must include 'I am honest with myself about where I am and what I'm doing.'

I was re-listening to an older call I had with Sophie yesterday... it was about my biggest stumbling block, being that I see everyone as superior or inferior, and I basically have no other distinctions than that. I'm really noticing how huge that is for me.... I encounter a person and immediately see them as superior or inferior, and myself as the opposite. I heard some things in that call that I completely missed before.

She said in that call that a person can only say "I don't get it", or "I still don't get it", when they actually GET it. Otherwise, saying 'I still don't get it' is a lie, that same worst kind of lie...one of the lies we tell ourselves, thinking we're saying the truth, which results in no integrity and no power in our word.

She said that one of the biggest things we need other people for is to point out what we misunderstand about the world... what we think and maybe have always thought to be true, and ISN'T. Not what we know or don't know, but to point out what we misunderstand. As an example she pointed out that one of my biggest is that I think people are either superior or inferior....that what they produce is innate, like they either were born with it or weren't. What I misunderstand is that it's not that way at all... what people PRODUCE is what is superior or inferior, and people themselves have exactly the same intrinsic value. So if I make better soup than she does, I'm not better at making soup...only the soup is better, and has more value because I could charge more for it. Ugh. It makes sense that we need other people for this, because we don't know what we don't know.

I stumbled on another article about choosing whether to be dead as a doornail or choosing to fly the spirit, where she lists a number of things that if we chose just one of those things to practice, we could make just enough room to stir the spirit. It says"

What raises your vibration, what raises your inspirability, what allows the spirit to be active in you is removing the many ways you stifle it, you gag it, you kill it.

The ways you kill the spirit are the same as the payoffs of the racket plus the responsibility questions… by the way. So don’t let familiarity suggest that you have handled them: you haven’t. You are dead inside as a doornail and knowing about things has never made any difference.

She lists those things in the article. I'm thinking the one I need to focus on is #8... making my word impeccable. Bringing impeccability to my words could allow the spirit to stir...I want that. I'm choosing that as my one thing. I'm wondering what other people are working on as their 'one thing'.