Sophie's Challenges

Jodie wrote: ↑Tue Oct 24, 2023 12:27 am Today I think I saw the entitlement in my original incident...because I ran that race for fun and won it, I must have decided I'm a winner without even trying...that I'm entitled to win without earning it because it happened once.

I looked at a past incident where I had lunch with a friend who started at the bottom of her industry, and took several different jobs in it over the years so she could learn every part of it, and even now after being in it for 35 years, she just got a new license in a different area and is taking some classes in it. This is NOT entitlement...this is what it looks like to earn your way. Even after 35 years she doesn't think she's entitled, she is still building skills.

I had a meeting with a good friend who is a great businessman...every time he tells me about a new venture I stupidly jump in to see if he can fit me in...of course he can't, I have no skills. Today I noticed that I have felt entitled to be included in the past, and I am not entitled to be included. Today I kept my mouth shut other than to ask questions, and he kindly answered all of them and offered information freely. Weirdly that felt a lot more comfortable and a lot calmer, to be quiet and acknowledge to myself that I'm not entitled. It was also clear that he did NOT seem to feel entitlement - he has earned all of his successes through a lot of hard work and difficult times over the years. He is someone I would say is entitled to what he has, but I'm pretty sure he would disagree.

I'm looking at the conflicts in the world...it's hard to figure out all of the entitlement with it- I don't know enough about it to even pretend to take sides or discuss it. It seems people are entitled to live in their homes peacefully, and people are NOT entitled to take other people's homes away from them or destroy them. Who could ever earn the position of being entitled to destroy people's cities and homes? This one will take more looking at, but it seems there is definitely entitlement in many forms.

Later someone asked my advice (crazy, I know) about a relationship they're in. I used to jump at giving advice but now I tend to avoid it - I'm the last one who should be giving any advice let alone about relationships. I didn't notice that all the times I was giving someone advice over the years I was entitled - I believed I was entitled to give it. I'm not entitled to do that-I have not earned a position where I could give advice.

As I was chewing today I was thinking about my health, and feeling that how I am is wrong - wrong that I cause my own illness, wrong that I keep working on things that are not effective, wrong that I'm in a dense fog. I had to put the feelings on the front of my hand and imagine myself in the back... looking from there I never noticed before that being the arbiter of the universe was entitlement - I have believed that I am entitled to call things right or wrong - entitled to be the arbiter of the universe, even though I didn't earn it. I never was wrong, and I never was entitled to call things wrong or right.

I saw it one more time with my husband, when I wanted to tell him something about his health. I stopped before I said it because I clearly am not entitled to tell anyone anything about their health, whether or not I have a serious illness. I have been doing that for years. I know now that what I thought I knew I don't know, but I wasn't seeing that I did that because I thought I was entitled to.

I also noticed my cat seems to think he's entitled to his food when he's hungry.

Jodie wrote: ↑Wed Oct 25, 2023 7:31 pm What I noticed entitlement-wise:
I’ve had a habit where to ‘wind down’ at night I get on eBay or something & try to find things that are old or hard to find. Occasionally I’ll see something interesting & buy it. Or I think of something that would be convenient & find it on Amazon and buy it.

I’m looking at entitlement here. I’m not bringing in much money right now. Nothing I buy costs much money, but my thought process is ‘there will be money coming in when the jobs I’m working on get rolling, so I can buy this.’

Underneath it’s entitlement-I’m entitled to get what I want now before I do the work to bring the money in. I don’t have to do the work first, or work to bring in more income, because I’m entitled to have it now. I never saw that.. but it’s clear entitlement is behind that. I think that's a pattern-I do it in other areas. I am entitled to pretend I'm a producer now because in my mind I will be. I'm entitled to lie about being a good business person now because I will be. It's scrambling...if I watch myself doing it from the side it's uneasy and forced, and I'm sure other people have noticed that and deducted that I'm full of shit-I haven't fooled people like I thought I had.

I am sure entitlement is behind when I’m condescending with my husband- I started to see him as below me, with the affair and somehow even in business. I hate seeing how arrogant that is. He started acting what looked to me to be weak, and I immediately saw him as lesser. And clearly as an object, otherwise I would have put myself in his shoes and looked to see what he was seeing.

There’s entitlement even behind my seeing him as ‘less than’. I was entitled to be the arbiter again-who am I to see anyone as greater or less? The arrogance is unbelievable. I saw myself as better & entitled to be condescending. Entitlement supports my not having to do anything, not having to be mindful or see him as a person, because I'm better. Ugh...I really hate that.

I must have said in the original incident that I did a great thing winning and I deserved to be recognized, because I was the best and I didn’t have to work for it. Other people do, but I don’t. I said I was entitled to be the race winner and to get accolades for it and to win everything without trying, so I don’t have to work for what others work for.

I’m trying to notice where it fits with doing this work. My big stumbling block is the disconnect I have between what I’m learning & practicing & how it’s not affecting my numbers or my being-ness.. it must be entitlement.

My view is that I’m doing the work as best I can and I’m seeing results, and so I should be getting closer to ‘B’ & give Sophie a victory, and my about me score should improve. I guess I’m saying I’m entitled to the results. Yet I never actually managed a side view other than once or twice, never managed to change my being yet, never managed to build a skill or DO yet, etc.

I see I’m responsible for my life being the way it is & for my health being the way it is, and yet I haven’t managed to affect either yet. It must be entitlement. The floor is lifting and creating space like in that video…I think because I never really got that how I am is not wrong, and I never stopped focusing on ‘me’ and how to change how I am. I'm always thinking about me and what I'm not doing 'right'. But there is no freedom in doing that...it's miserable. It is a prison.

So as I go about my day I keep turning my thoughts back to ME- how did I do? Did I forget to be present, forget to see from the side view, etc... and then I determine I’m still wrong because I forgot, or reacted some way that I shouldn't have, or god forbid had fun. Even when I had attitude results I had more times that I forgot & called how I am wrong. It seems like I don’t think I’m entitled to enjoy & have fun because it must mean I’m not doing what I should be doing, but what I am seeing is underneath I'm being the arbiter, calling how I am wrong, and that keeps me from DOING...doing would move my focus to outside of me and I would be moving, not spiraling around in what I do wrong.

I do see that I’m big and important in the center of the picture. I find myself envying people who seem to be light & fun with everything going their way. And envying people who seem to love how they live & are how they are & don’t give themselves cancer, & don't seem to think all day about how they shouldn't be how they are.

It seems like I feel I’m not entitled to lightness & freedom and fun, because I’m not as good as those people. But the entitlement underneath is an excuse, that keeps me from doing and sounds like it's not my fault. It reeks of self-importance. I don't think I saw it completely in these things I noticed... I will keep looking at this. Mostly I see that entitlement supports my not DOING. It's like a crutch that keeps me off the hook in my own mind.

Jodie wrote: ↑Thu Oct 26, 2023 6:50 pm I notice that when I'm wordy and explaining, I'm trying to prove that I'm smarter, trying to cover up the fact that I haven't accomplished anything by sounding like I have. Entitlement is underneath that - I'm entitled to barge in and add my two cents in a group because 'I know and you don't and I'm going to tell you'. I guess I'm blabbering to establish a position I am entitled to. The words are just filling space so that my silence won't show my ignorance, or so people will like me. But just like that quote, 'when you're worried what people think of you, the answer is they DON'T' - I'm not entitled to my two cents, nobody cares anyway, and I would be better regarded if I just focused on giving more than I get and thinking about myself less. Which means mostly be quiet, because I don't have much to give, and when I'm talking I'm getting what I think I'm entitled to. I'm not entitled to attention, or accolades...I see my original incident popping up there. I have gotten from the last challenges that when I feel the push to jump in and add something, I can be quiet and realize it's not something that contributes, it's not important. I didn't see that entitlement is underneath that. So I can add 'jumping' to the list of how to know entitlement is underneath.

I read in articles that most people are similar…we all have these boulders, we are the 8 billion, and yet I keep calling myself the worst, the dumb one, the slow one, especially on calls. I guess I've felt I'm entitled to call myself that, I'm being the arbiter and calling how I am wrong. I know that there is self-importance there & that underneath I think I'm smart, even though I don't feel that way when I'm not 'getting' something or when I'm on calls. Then I feel like the dense one who doesn’t get it, but I think what I'm saying is it's wrong because I'm entitled to 'get it'...I should get it without having to work at it. But I see that in either case, it's all about me being in the center of the picture. It can look like either arrogance or self-deprecating, but in both cases it is entitlement and self-importance. In every case it's being entitled to call it wrong, when I am not entitled to call anything right or wrong. And if I'm nothing, I'll just see what is, without me putting myself in there or calling it anything.

Entitlement supports both arrogance and self-deprecating, because with both I’m entitled to be the arbiter & call it wrong, and I’m ‘off the hook’ when I’m the dumbest & the slowest…I see that. I don’t want to be the dumbest & the slowest OR entitled. It’s actually a little frightening, just as frightening as feeling like I’m on the side of life with all my heart while I’m killing myself. The self-deceit is scary to me, how invisible entitlement can be. It's hard to grasp how our own minds create mechanisms for a payoff that can kill literally kill us.

In other areas, I notice that people are entitled to their lane & their position when driving, to where they are justified in not letting someone else in. They feel entitled to get moving when the light turns, to where they'll honk at the person in front of them.

People seem to be entitled to their place in line...'I was here first' sounds like entitlement. I'm also looking at a salesperson who earned, at least in her view, a commission for work she did, but didn't get it. She is upset because she's entitled to it...but even earning something doesn't mean we'll get it. It seems that when people think what they are entitled to is threatened, there is indignation...indignation has been a default feeling for me. I think indignant is a tell-tale sign that there's entitlement. I usually look at the expectation when I feel indignant...it seems like every expectation is entitlement...something I expected because I was entitled to it, that is totally unrealistic.

In political hearings, there are always politicians who speak past their allotted time, as if what they have to say earns them the right to speak longer - this looks like entitlement. This looks similar to me to blabbering incessantly because I'm entitled to take someone else's time with my blabbering. It also looks similar to being late, being entitled to take someone else's time to wait for you or entitled to come whenever it's convenient regardless of the meeting time. Entitlement seems to be justification for a lot of things...is that right? Where we're justified to be late, or to be upset that there's no commission, or angry that someone cut in line, because we are entitled to be angry, because we didn't get what we were entitled to or we took what we're entitled to take.

All of the entitlement I'm seeing is 'all about me', whoever is doing it. But I don't think I've gotten to the bottom of 'how I am is wrong'. The times I've had cancer, for example, it's such a struggle to see that it's not wrong that I'm killing myself. But I am seeing that it's not right either - it just is, and it's not up to me to call it right or wrong. It looks like being the Arbiter is my biggest stumbling block, calling it wrong keeps me in the center of the picture in a position I'm not entitled to. I'm trying to see it the way Julia described on the call, that if it's my attitude that causes it, it's my attitude that can make it go away. I'm seeing that my attitude needs to turn outward, towards others, or seeing the other person's view...getting myself out of the picture. I actually love that idea - thinking about myself and how wrong I am all the time is like dragging around heavy chains.

Jodie wrote: ↑Fri Oct 27, 2023 6:12 pm I would say ditto to Baheej on my cancer cause - being delusional (not as smart as I think I am) and living in a hurry are big ones for me as well… but I think being entitled to be the judge & jury of ‘wrong’ is at the top. I think it’s starting to sink in that what I think I see, the whole premise on which I base my judgments, is inaccurate. It’s been hard to ‘get’ because what I see seems real, and because I think I’m smart I never considered that ‘it ain’t necessarily so’. But the reality of having cancer is a hard dose of seeing how much I have not seen. In over a year of doing this work I hadn’t gotten that my ‘one thing’ is entitlement. Or how ‘behind the scenes’ it is, everywhere.

My latest noticing:
I recently drove past a huge new resort development… The banner across the front says ‘WITHIN REACH’. I see that as an appeal to people’s entitlement…to get them to consider that they are entitled to live there, so they will find ways to justify the expense.

I volunteered for a committee in our neighborhood to address some concerns… I joined because I also have the concerns, but as I went to the first meeting it occurred to me I have no skills or experience to contribute that I can see. I must’ve thought I was entitled to join, that I could pretend to be at everyone else’s level. I decided to volunteer to take notes, so there would at least be something useful I could contribute. I will still work to find experts & gather information that will be helpful, but taking notes may be all I have to give. I’m not entitled to throw my 2 cents in otherwise.

I notice that bicyclists seem to feel entitled to the same space on the road as cars… even though taking what they think they’re entitled to could get them killed. Just like motorcyclists are entitled to be seen by other cars… they may have earned the license to drive the motorcycle, but nothing says they’re entitled to be seen or will be.

Anyone in a position of authority seems to think they are entitled to respect, only because of their title. But they aren’t…even if they do what it takes to earn respect, it doesn’t mean they’ll get it. I did the same thing with my marriage, thinking the title of ‘wife’ meant I am entitled to be respected & not cheated on. The huge number of marital affairs would indicate otherwise - everyone does what they do, no one is entitled to respect or fidelity or anything, whether or not they worked to earn it. Saying ‘I do’ certainly isn’t earning it.

What about things like wars and atrocities? it looks like total entitlement - No one is entitled to take another’s home, or life, or country, or family, and yet none of us are entitled to a home or life or country or family… as you put it, nature doesn’t care. Much of the world seems to be entitled these days, at least the world we see in the media…the angry bickering between races, political persuasions, religions, all of it looks like each person is entitled to be the authoritative voice that is ‘right’, hardly anyone is interested in the other side’s opinion or viewpoint. How different it would all be if people did.

With the Food Challenge, I’m not entitled to gulp down food when I’m really hungry, or to eat whatever sounds good…I can choose to of course, but I’m not entitled. It seems like everyone who gets irritated when they’re hungry & can’t eat is entitled, to have food whenever they’re hungry. Or to flip the heat on when we’re cold…whatever the need is, at least in this country we seem entitled to ‘have it’ or we get upset.

I watched an interview with Tom Cruise - it was amazing. He has basically spent his life designing sets and scenes in his mind, with a passion for movies, similar to what Keanu Reeves did. Now being as big as big gets in his field, he is still doing more - practicing time after time after time to get the skill level he needs for each stunt or scene he wants to do, still studying film, still watching other films & learning. And he calls it a privilege…I didn’t see entitlement,I saw gratitude. And he says he loves to meet people & connect with people - no entitlement to be higher or better. Even at that level I can see how it works. It makes it seem that much more stupid that people at my level of expertise are the entitled ones - but it seems the more you do the less you are entitled - you’re about doing & earning & looking to what you can do next with what you earn. We sit & watch the doers & want what they earn.

The biggest thing I’m seeing now is that entitlement leaves no room for gratitude. When you said in the very first Moneyroots that expectation kills gratitude, I found that jarring. I’m seeing entitlement as akin to expectation, and there’s no room for gratitude, because expecting something means we’re entitled to it… so if we get it we aren’t grateful, and if we don’t we aren’t grateful, both because we’re entitled. Ugh. But when I am feeling grateful, I’m not wanting or wishing I was different, and right/wrong are irrelevant.

While I rest, I’m feeling grateful for the life I’ve had - not what I’ve done with it obviously, but LIFE itself - the health that I’ve experienced is something I didn’t earn and wasn’t entitled to experience, and something to be grateful for. I hope to have more time to earn it and do so much more with the life I have left. I’ve lived how I’ve lived, how the 8 billion lives, not responsible, just floating along seeing what happens to me, but I see there is so much more to do as I notice people who have done it, and there are noticeable habits to emulate. I am committed to work to really ‘get’ how I’m responsible for not being as smart as I thought, and being delusional, and working around my baby gene to become a survivor and one who wants for everyone what I want for myself.