Sophie's Challenges

After listening to the Lifeskills audio again I'm looking again at what would be 'juicy' and really worth it, for having a new relationship with my husband based on mutual respect and appreciation.

My 'North Star' is a life worth living. But what would be so good I would hate myself would be to feel like I have a life partner who is on the same team, where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is fun, more fun together than not.

As I'm looking at all of the facets of this I'm seeing the boulder in front of it is laden with entitlement. I have felt so justified and so superior all along, and I never really looked at it closely. Entitlement has been the center of my judging how he has handled things (or not), being the arbiter of him while my own handling of things has been abysmal, looking down on him as if I'm somehow better, and lacking respect and appreciation for his many accomplishments. Overall I've been entitled to be the arbiter of 'I'm right, he's wrong, I know and he doesn't.'

I can see there will need to be a lot of 'trim-tabbing'...I have been trim-tabbing my communication with him but I hadn't seen how much entitlement is underneath and how much I've been the judge of everything he does. What I see here is I've been seeing him as an object, and not as a person with struggles, just doing the best he can. It's the way I would want to be seen if I were in his shoes...even in my own shoes. What would be juicy would be to love and appreciate him exactly as he is.

Jodie wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 11:45 pm After listening to the Lifeskills audio again I'm looking again at what would be 'juicy' and really worth it, for having a new relationship with my husband based on mutual respect and appreciation.

My 'North Star' is a life worth living. But what would be so good I would hate myself would be to feel like I have a life partner who is on the same team, where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is fun, more fun together than not.

As I'm looking at all of the facets of this I'm seeing the boulder in front of it is laden with entitlement. I have felt so justified and so superior all along, and I never really looked at it closely. Entitlement has been the center of my judging how he has handled things (or not), being the arbiter of him while my own handling of things has been abysmal, looking down on him as if I'm somehow better, and lacking respect and appreciation for his many accomplishments. Overall I've been entitled to be the arbiter of 'I'm right, he's wrong, I know and he doesn't.'

I can see there will need to be a lot of 'trim-tabbing'...I have been trim-tabbing my communication with him but I hadn't seen how much entitlement is underneath and how much I've been the judge of everything he does. What I see here is I've been seeing him as an object, and not as a person with struggles, just doing the best he can. It's the way I would want to be seen if I were in his shoes...even in my own shoes. What would be juicy would be to love and appreciate him exactly as he is.

Muscle test says that is juicy enough for you. This is proof that it doesn't have to be bombastic. In the movie Departures, where the quote comes from, they are eating Kentucky Fried Chicken... Not bombastic. And yet. I made chicken cacciatore yesterday, and it was so good I hated myself... so yeah... So this makes me look what would, what future would be so good I hate myself.

For me it is being able to walk. Be outside and just walk. Like a real person. Brings tears into my eyes.

I noticed a change in how I approached communicating with my husband today...I don't know how to describe it other than there was an energy to it, so timely with your article today. It seems like defining what would be 'so good I hate myself' made me 'get' what it would look and feel like, which brought an excitement to doing it. I was more on the dutiful side before I think. But the excitement was different than my typical eager feeling, it was more like really looking forward to what it will be like. That was really cool - very motivating.

On the flip side I saw yet another way that I've been entitled...I'm to where I can't believe how many there are. I've had a habit of walking away or doing something when he starts to say something, and I would continue on and pretend I didn't hear...not very attractive I know. I was entitled to keep doing my thing because I'm more important than whatever he had to say. Ugh. It felt good to rectify that today, and stop and go back and give him the respect of my attention. It's becoming more and more clear how entitlement has kept me from taking responsibility for my part in how this relationship has gone.

Jodie wrote: ↑Wed Nov 08, 2023 7:04 pm I noticed a change in how I approached communicating with my husband today...I don't know how to describe it other than there was an energy to it, so timely with your article today. It seems like defining what would be 'so good I hate myself' made me 'get' what it would look and feel like, which brought an excitement to doing it. I was more on the dutiful side before I think. But the excitement was different than my typical eager feeling, it was more like really looking forward to what it will be like. That was really cool - very motivating.

On the flip side I saw yet another way that I've been entitled...I'm to where I can't believe how many there are. I've had a habit of walking away or doing something when he starts to say something, and I would continue on and pretend I didn't hear...not very attractive I know. I was entitled to keep doing my thing because I'm more important than whatever he had to say. Ugh. It felt good to rectify that today, and stop and go back and give him the respect of my attention. It's becoming more and more clear how entitlement has kept me from taking responsibility for my part in how this relationship has gone.

What really puzzles me to what degree humans act against their own real interest. The long term interest of harmony, love, pleasant, groovy, juicy relationships. They vote, moment to moment, to snub, diss, disrespect, ignore and then be alone, and miserable.

Boggles the mind.

That describes me exactly. I've been doing the tearing down, and then getting upset that nobody was fixing it for me.

Where I am now, as I see it, is that I'm in a relationship that's been in a hole that I dug and blamed someone else for digging. I have to BRING respect consciously, because it hasn't been my habit. But as I go over what is 'juicy' and worth it, it becomes energizing, more like it's within my power to bring respect and appreciation, with that purpose in mind, even exactly as stupid as I am. What is so interesting is that it is less stressful and more enjoyable, which still doesn't seem 'right'...I hadn't realized that I have spent literally hours being offended, and entitled to be offended and condescending, snowballing my own misery.

I also see where I am now as a place where I take it one day at a time, one interaction at a time...as you put it, the meaning is in the journey. It seems like the whole key is in the attention - becoming present to pulling the power into what there is to do in that one moment. The purpose is there and motivating, but the focus is on that moment, that interaction. It seems to take away the need for the endless treading water looking at where I should already be. I'm seeing where I am as the donkey in the hole in that story...I got myself here, and I just have to pat down the dirt a little at a time to take steps out, but it's okay... I am where I am, and thanks to you I can see there are steps and that it's within my power to take them...and why I want to.

Jodie wrote: ↑Thu Nov 09, 2023 5:24 pm That describes me exactly. I've been doing the tearing down, and then getting upset that nobody was fixing it for me.

Where I am now, as I see it, is that I'm in a relationship that's been in a hole that I dug and blamed someone else for digging. I have to BRING respect consciously, because it hasn't been my habit. But as I go over what is 'juicy' and worth it, it becomes energizing, more like it's within my power to bring respect and appreciation, with that purpose in mind, even exactly as stupid as I am. What is so interesting is that it is less stressful and more enjoyable, which still doesn't seem 'right'...I hadn't realized that I have spent literally hours being offended, and entitled to be offended and condescending, snowballing my own misery.

I also see where I am now as a place where I take it one day at a time, one interaction at a time...as you put it, the meaning is in the journey. It seems like the whole key is in the attention - becoming present to pulling the power into what there is to do in that one moment. The purpose is there and motivating, but the focus is on that moment, that interaction. It seems to take away the need for the endless treading water looking at where I should already be. I'm seeing where I am as the donkey in the hole in that story...I got myself here, and I just have to pat down the dirt a little at a time to take steps out, but it's okay... I am where I am, and thanks to you I can see there are steps and that it's within my power to take them...and why I want to.

nice work. and I can sense that juicy is what gives it energy

I think I may be starting to see one of the 'Opponents', I'm not sure if I'm accurate on that, but I've started to notice that if I'm in a hurry and not present, it's easier for positive thinking to creep in. Meaning I've had to stop myself and ask myself if I was being 'fake' nice, or if I was authentically showing respect and kindness.

What I'm seeing is that showing respect, for me, requires pulling in my attention and re- looking at the other person, and also considering my purpose.

I re-looked at what I said...'what would be juicy would be to have a life partner who is on the same team, where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is more fun together than not, and to love and appreciate him exactly as he is'. Revisiting it gave me what felt like a broader vision of him and of what I'm doing and why. I found myself trying that several times today to 'check' myself and re-center, so I'm not bashing along thoughtlessly pretending to be nice thinking I'm showing respect. I know that sounds awful but I think it's part of my positive thinking 'MO'.

It seems that if my eyes are on the purpose, the 'juicy' part, my actions are more authentic, and I'm more calm and deliberate about what I'm doing. That is something it looks like I need to practice more.

On the plus side I am starting to genuinely enjoy his company more, so it becomes easier to show respect and appreciation. And maybe part of it is I don't trust myself after so many years of positive thinking-type actions, but it seemed most helpful to re-visit my purpose today before choosing my words.

Jodie wrote: ↑Fri Nov 10, 2023 6:31 pm I think I may be starting to see one of the 'Opponents', I'm not sure if I'm accurate on that, but I've started to notice that if I'm in a hurry and not present, it's easier for positive thinking to creep in. Meaning I've had to stop myself and ask myself if I was being 'fake' nice, or if I was authentically showing respect and kindness.

What I'm seeing is that showing respect, for me, requires pulling in my attention and re- looking at the other person, and also considering my purpose.

I re-looked at what I said...'what would be juicy would be to have a life partner who is on the same team, where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is more fun together than not, and to love and appreciate him exactly as he is'. Revisiting it gave me what felt like a broader vision of him and of what I'm doing and why. I found myself trying that several times today to 'check' myself and re-center, so I'm not bashing along thoughtlessly pretending to be nice thinking I'm showing respect. I know that sounds awful but I think it's part of my positive thinking 'MO'.

It seems that if my eyes are on the purpose, the 'juicy' part, my actions are more authentic, and I'm more calm and deliberate about what I'm doing. That is something it looks like I need to practice more.

On the plus side I am starting to genuinely enjoy his company more, so it becomes easier to show respect and appreciation. And maybe part of it is I don't trust myself after so many years of positive thinking-type actions, but it seemed most helpful to re-visit my purpose today before choosing my words.

yeah. Possibility tends to disappear and leave only pretense in its place. inauthentic. good catch, Jodie

Today something totally unexpected happened from pulling in my power & declaring myself stupid.

My husband had a very rough day that had to do with the other woman (like a fatal attraction, he can't get rid of her.)

He told me about their conversation & it made no sense to me. But coming with respect & appreciation seemed to allow me to separate him from his actions, and I found it allowed me to separate myself as well, so I didn’t see any of it as personal or emotional.

I tried to be really careful about choosing my words about it to be kind & respectful, but I wasn’t successful- he was so sensitive about it he got offended & upset with me.

At that point I felt anger immediately…here I was working so hard to be respectful and choose my words so carefully. It was pure entitlement, again- I was ENTITLED to a favorable response after all of my efforts, and I was ‘wronged’. Making the deliberate effort seemed to translate into an unrealistic expectation...maybe that's another Opponent?

That’s where it helped me to pull the power in & become present to what I was doing. I felt the anger dissipate, and I was just a person who is stupid, trying to communicate effectively & failing.

I just told him I had no intention of upsetting him, and I wished he would tell me what I said that upset him so I’ll know for the future. Nothing else. I was chalking it up as a failure.

He amazingly calmed down & said it wasn’t me at all… he said he was upset & angry because he was feeling like a failure. Wow...very uncharacteristic. There was none of our regular pissing contest. That may have been one of the only times we had real, honest communication without trying to protect ourselves.

The thing is it wasn’t initially going in that direction… it wasn’t until I pulled in the attention in & let go of the emotion… then it seemed to turn around on its own, without me trying. I was pretty amazed at that. But also a good lesson - I hadn't seen before that entitlement can creep in even after being calm and deliberate in my actions...that entitlement seems to be relentless.

Jodie wrote: ↑Sun Nov 12, 2023 1:20 am It was pure entitlement, again- I was ENTITLED to a favorable response after all of my efforts, and I was ‘wronged’. Making the deliberate effort seemed to translate into an unrealistic expectation...maybe that's another Opponent?

...

that entitlement seems to be relentless.

you are getting really good at this, Jodie. wonderful