Sophie's Challenges

There are a handful of recurring things that stand out, now that Sophie has been gone and I've fallen back into life without her (although never really without her - I think it's safe to say that she permanently changed the lives of everyone who interacted with her in one way or another).

One big thing I've been mulling over since Sophie's passing is the issue of Integrity....it seems no matter what I have worked on through the course of my year and a half with her, at some point everything came back to Integrity, because, as she put it, nothing works without it. So much of this work is declaring, declaring a context, declaring an attitude, declaring a beingness... and yet if our word has no power, the declaring itself is a problem.

The one thing that comes to me on a daily basis is looking at myself interacting with others, and seeing where I only see superior and inferior, as Sophie told me. The way she told me to create more 'room to dance' in there was to force myself to look at whether or not my, or the other person's, heart is in the right place. When I do that, I automatically create the attitude "I am stupid...being stupid opens the door to learning, curiosity, and a life". But as she pointed out, declaring myself stupid only works if I have integrity, because without it, my word has no power.

I'm seeing integrity as FAR more than doing what I said I would do - it seems the biggest cause of the lack of it is lying to myself... saying things like 'just as soon as I do this, I'll do that', or 'once this is finished, I can do that'... I recently ran across an article where she said this is one of the most common ways we lie to ourselves, and the worst kind of lying that we do, and this is one I have done for as long as I can remember.

The other thing that comes up daily, is recognizing any feeling of frustration that comes up and seeing that what I'm really saying is 'A is not A - I want A to be B'. This comes up several times a day...it brings to mind the bullseye story. There seem to be several ways to look at that story, but Sophie said she liked the idea that the little girl was saying 'A is A... wherever my arrow lands, that's the bullseye....that's the result that I caused'.

It seems that my plate is full with just these two things, which I see as Integrity and Allowing. I would love to hear what others are seeing and focusing on, as well as what kinds of things others do to build integrity.

I think I saw something today that I didn't put together before, along the lines of 'A is A'.

My issue is always that underneath it, I don't want A to be A, and whatever I'm seeing as "A" is wrong. A isn't what it should be.... I'm not what or who I should be.

I think what I haven't gotten is that A IS A, and I'm responsible for it being what it is...it's been in my own hands, my own doing, my own result. Like the girl in the bullseye story - her result is her result. But the moral of that story was to never lose sight of the target.

I don't know if that makes sense the way I wrote it...but I feel like I can work with 'A is my result'. It may not be my preference, but it's up to me to make it something different than what it is. It seems to be more 'active' to see it that way, rather than fighting with A is A.

I'm going to work with this... I guess I'm not always responsible for what I see that I don't like, but I am always the cause of calling it wrong. Perhaps seeing & acknowledging that I have responsibility there can cause me to see things differently. I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on that.

Seeing or recognizing that "A is A" is also something I am continuing to work on. I had a breakthrough on this recently.

I came to a realization that I don’t “have to” do anything, ever. And when I don’t have to do something, there is a choice for me to do or not do something at any given moment. In that sense, there’s no should, no have to, no could, no would, no want to, no shouldn’t, no shouldn’t have to, etc. Things are just what they are, doings are just doings, and nothing more, nothing less. In this way of being, there is peace and ease. Freedom from constricting/ restricting "demands" of the mind perhaps.

I think that so far I have been able to see that "A is A" in certain contexts, yet I am still having some difficulty with it in other contexts. (One that is challenging to me is "People are just doing what they are doing, anything I say about it is just what I say"). I suspect I have some feeling that I am superior to others, that I feel like I know what would be better for them. But it is not really, it seems to be more from ego. In reality, without interacting with them I would not know what could be the best option(s) for them.

Recently I reached out to Matt, who kindly pointed out that we can look into what is causing the "need to, want to, have to, should" train of thinking. That there are probably unconscious needs behind them. If we are willing to be compassionate with ourselves, then we can find ways to give ourselves what we "need" or are seeking. And in that way we can be more self-sufficient, less needy, less demanding. I feel like being compassionate with myself is one way I can put my heart in the right place. It is like the opposite of being hard on myself or expecting myself to live up to some unnecessarily high standards. This seems like the "good" kind of selfish that Sophie talked about. If I can expand on what she said about doing what makes you happy.... let's do what makes us feel good!

Jodie, I think you are on the right track, recognizing when you aren't allowing "A to be A". It's a good sign when you can recognize when you think "A should be B". This is probably resistance to accepting/ allowing something, or wanting something to be different than it is. If we consider the unconscious needs, perhaps you feel a need to control a situation for some reason, such as wanting to be safe or be "right" or have things your way. Is there a way you can give yourself what you feel is missing? For me, wanting to be right is such an ingrained habit, but I have been catching myself lately. (Usually this happens in conversation). I think I am running a racket from my original incident, so it would be safety/ feeling safe that is lacking for me. When I find ways to make myself feel safe (emotionally, physically), I feel so much calmer and able to just "be myself" and am maybe closer to experiencing being present.

Thank you Jodie and Baheej for continuing to post on the forum. It gives me hope that we can continue to make a difference within our own lives and community and continue to help and support each other.

Thank you so much for this post Julia, I'm finding it so very helpful.

'I have to' has been one of my most persistent shoulds...it's become habitual, part of my scrambling to be busy to cover the fact that I'm not doing things that would make my life meaningful or more productive. I remember that there are no 'shoulds' or 'have to's', but somehow seeing in print the 'I don't have to do anything, ever', as you put it, resonated with me - it does suddenly change it from a nagging thing to remember to a CHOICE - from passive to active. I really appreciate that, thank you.

I also came to another realization...I just read about a study that a guy named George Land was hired by NASA created a way for them to identify genius level engineers. After doing his research he determined that genius level engineers were engineers that used creative imagination for problem solving. He created a survey for them to use, that was hugely successful. It was so successful that he decided to try it on 1600 children, and test the same children through life. What he found was that among 3-5 year olds, 98% tested as creative genius level. Those same kids at age 10 showed 30% at creative genius level. at 15 it was 12%. Then he tested 280,000 adults, and only 2% tested at creative genius level.

He concluded that UN-creative activity is learned, through the school system (at least the US school system). In looking into that, he found that the school system was primarily designed back in the Industrial Age, when they wanted to train people to be good workers and follow instruction. (I tend to think there's more behind it than that, but not important here)... anyway, apologies for the long story. What I'm concluding is that much of my 'A should be B', and the lack of creative thinking, and the rigidity that I didn't even know I had until I found Sophie is learned, including the unconscious needs behind the 'need to, whant to, have to, should' thinking that Matt and Julia talked about. That really makes me want to say 'no f**king way', as Sophie would say, and find a way to rise above it. Hopefully the jet engine fuel she used to talk about.

I also love your idea of catching yourself and noting the racket from your original incident, and finding ways to give yourself what was missing. Sophie told me to recognize that as my pendulum, and then find a way to force the pendulum to make a wider path to include something else - that's where she told me to consider if someone's heart is in the right place every time I notice superior or inferior - that was my way to force the pendulum off of it's track and 'widen the ditch' a bit.

Definitely baby steps, all of this... one major flaw I have is wanting to fine the one magic key that turns on the light and it stays on, but it definitely doesn't work that way. I'm heading back to Michigan next week to see my dad, he is starting to get dementia. I'm accepting that most likely my vibration will plummet, and often my health takes a hit when I travel... I will do the best I can, and keep working on noticing these things, and on living authentically....I know I have to continue to work on integrity, or nothing else works.

I bounced around a bit here, but thanks so much Julia for your helpful post, much appreciated.

I'm remembering some of the things that stuck out in my mind that Sophie said - the biggest one being, without a project, there can be no growth.

I've had a project recently of getting our new house all set up, with specific goals and a beginning and end point - so simple and elementary, but I have to say it has kept my mind less on me and what I 'should' be doing. It does have a beginning and an end, and there have been failures - which brought to mind another thing Sophie said, that there can be no growth without failures, but ONLY if learning is welcome. That's a big 'IF'. I've had some failures with some of the ideas I've had that didn't work out, but I've had a bigger one as well... as I got so busy working on things, my husband became more needy, both physically and emotionally. He had a hard time emotionally moving out of our last house, and he hurt his back and couldn't help move anything.

I hate to publicly admit this but I started seeing him as weak, I think because he became so 'high maintenance', and because I had to do most of it myself. My racket went into full swing, I got the 'poor me, I'm so put-upon' racket, and the ugly old superior racket that I guess is my thing that I have to embrace, like the 3-year old Sophie talked about, that I take by the hand and bring with me but see it for what it is.

All of this has led me back again to the Purpose to Life Challenge, the same one I'd been working on before. I lost sight of it in all of the craziness, and it really shows. My husband is feeling insecure and unsure of himself, and I can see that I am part of the cause of that, and also that can be the cause of helping him with that. I'm having to revisit regularly the original Purpose: "My 'North Star' is a life worth living. But what would be so good I would hate myself would be to feel like I have a life partner who is on the same team, where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is fun, more fun together than not." What would be juicy would be to love and appreciate him exactly as he is".

What I see now that I didn't see before is that doing that requires me to look at myself and how I'm interacting with him, and how it must look from his point of view, which helps me more to see where the 'superior' rears its head and get myself in check more often. I also see that this challenge, like the Drink your Food Challenge, will never be over - I can see that to take these to mastery could easily take years, at least for me. But I'm grateful for these tools, the Purpose Challenge to help me see the 'superior', and then make myself look to see if my heart is in the right place, and also to see when I am and am not present with the Food Challenge, are amazing tools that I can clearly see I need to stick with.

But what I'm really seeing is the need for a new project, because if there is no 'DOING' ,there is no growth, no opportunity for failures and learning, and I'm thinking even no opportunity to learn to live authentically and powerfully.

I would love to hear if anyone else has any projects or challenges they're working on.

As for the "A is A" allowing that I'm always working on, I've created the attitude 'I don't have the right to call anything wrong or right, I'm not entitled to be the arbiter of the universe'. And I'm using some of the tips that Julia sent me, such as taking something easy to accept and stating what it is with no emotion, just facts, like "this car is red and has chrome rims and that man is driving it"... something I have no emotional attachment to, that I can call A as A, and then move to something that is more emotionally charged and do the same thing - it is harder than it seems, just as she said. THANK YOU Julia, for your suggestions, they have been so helpful and I really appreciate it.

I've been reading some older articles about being 'stuck'. Stuck being, as the article said:

"the lack of movement, even though there is sense that movement is needed. Needed by the person, not the circumstance.
That ‘I am not at the right place, not doing the right thing‘ feeling. Horrible… devastating.
The feelings is that we can’t do what we would need to do because the freedom to do is missing. Or the talent and ability is missing. Or the energy to do what we’d like to do is missing."

In that article, it all goes back to the need to be special and unique. Sophie wrote that as long as we think it's reality that we're special and unique, she can't help us. It's behind 'I should know this, I should do this, I shouldn't be where I am', etc.etc.

UGH... the feeling that I'm not at the right place and not doing the right things have been at the forefront of my mind ever since I met Sophie....no wonder I didn't get any further with her, no wonder I couldn't give her a victory. In the article she says it's all from that entitlement gene, one of the two 'child' genes that were supposed to turn off at some point, as I remember.

At any rate, it all comes down, once again, to ALLOWING. To allowing that LIFE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. This ties into another older article I read recently, that said that looking differently means looking to see how life works, and adjusting to go with that. When we're sure we're special and unique, we're entitled to do it our own way, and to skip the steps everybody else has to take.

In the article Sophie says, "for someone who isn’t special, who doesn’t entertain the idea that they should already know something they don’t, or be already somewhere where they aren’t BECAUSE they are special, for someone like that it is no problem to do what they see to do.

This was a big reminder for me...I had forgotten to look at where entitlement is behind the things that I do. I used to see it everywhere. This was a good reminder to look for it, - when I'm noticing frustration, and noting that all frustration is nothing more than an expectation that I had no right to expect, I'm sure I will see entitlement behind it. I'm sure everyone has their own way of working on this... I'm just passing it along because it's so big, and something I lost sight of.

Here's the part of the article where Sophie gives the solution:

"When I hear the internal whining voice that says: I shouldn’t have to, I allow it. I allow it to say whatever it says. I allow it to whine. I don’t fight with it. I consider it noise. Not a noise I want, but a noise I HAVE. Like the rain, like the raccoons, like anything that is beyond my control. Because it is, they are all beyond my control.

I take a few deep breaths and then I do what the voice says I shouldn’t have to do. About 30% of the time. And about 70% of the time I just let go of it… and I just don’t do it.

I feel the tension melt away…
If it doesn’t, I look what it is I didn’t allow to be.

Is it what the voice said I should have to do is hard? OK, it’s f-ing hard. Or maybe it is the wrong thing to do? OK, I’ll find out and if it is the wrong thing to do, I will not do more of it. That I don’t have time to do it? OK, that is a difficult one.

Am I willing to not do some of the things I am already doing, and do this instead? Will that be enough? I won’t have to do forever, only for a few days, maybe weeks… Am I willing to do that? Yes. But the tension is still there. OK, I feel the inner weeping. Doing what I ‘shouldn’t have to do’ will say I am not special. lol.

Am I willing to give myself that I am special even if I have to do what ORDINARY people have to do? That I am special because I am me. But it entitles me for nothing. Not a thing…

Yes. I can do that.
And now all the tension is gone, and I am so tired I am ready to go back to sleep… lol. But I have freed myself, for now, from this trap of being stuck between a rock and a hard place."

I hope this helps anyone else who's feeling stuck as well.

It's so interesting, now that Sophie is gone, to notice the things that stand out the most from her teaching - it's not the things I would have guessed would stand out the most.

I think the biggest thing that keeps popping up in my mind, whenever I notice that I'm entitled, or frustrated, or saying I want A to be B, is this thing that Sophie wrote in an article: "NATURE DOESN'T CARE".

It didn't strike me that hard when I first read it. But sure enough, when I feel 'wronged', which means I feel entitled to some expectation I had no right to have in the first place, that pops up in my head. Maybe I tried my hardest and felt I was entitled to a better result, maybe I'm frustrated that something didn't work out the way I intended it to, maybe I feel I'm entitled to a different reaction from my husband, maybe I feel like a loser when I see the success of someone else - whatever it is, I hear that voice in my head saying "NATURE DOESN'T CARE". In the scheme of things, I'm entitled to nothing, not entitled to call anything right or wrong. There's no 'fair or not fair' in nature.

I was thinking about that this morning, and interestingly enough I came upon a little bird with what looked to be a broken leg. I watched it struggling with tears in my eyes, wanting to do something about it. All I could do was put it in the shade with a little food & water and hope it heals. That bird was probably having a perfectly normal morning of flying around and finding food, and certainly was entitled to one, just like all the other birds... but nature doesn't care - what happens happens, it will heal or it won't. Nature doesn't consider if the bird deserved an injured leg, or if the bird is entitled to a different outcome.

I'm jotting this down because it's been actually helping me, to 'pull my head out' so to speak, get my mind off of myself and get on with things. I never thought that phrase would end up being one of the ones I rely on so much.

Now I am mainly working on pulling all of my attention into what I'm doing, and being kind and respectful with my interactions.

For now I will continue with the attitude I created when Sophie was here: ‘I am stupid. Being stupid opens the door for learning, curiosity, and a life. I am calm and deliberate in my actions and I can ask for help when I see I'm not able. I'm pulling all power into whatever I'm doing, and bringing respect and appreciation to all of my interactions.'

The other thing that stands out to me from her is, 'the meaning in life is in the journey- the journey is where it's juicy.' I'm still having to get more comfortable with the PROCESS.

I hope everyone is doing well, hopefully we can all talk again soon.