Sophie's Challenges

Wow, it's been almost two months since I posted here. I've been thinking that once I'm back home & settled I'll start up again.

I traveled back east, I thought for 4 days, on August 1st. Here it is Sept. 15th and I'm still here, taking care of my dad. So I guess now is as good a time as any to jump back in!

There is SO much to notice in this scenario. My racket seems to rear its head everywhere. It seems that expectation is the big thing that screws everything up mentally.... I'm constantly reminded that frustration, as Sophie said, is nothing but an unfulfilled expectation that we had no right to expect.

But as Sophie also said, Expectation kills Gratitude.

I also notice that stewing over an unfulfilled Expectation is nothing but Self-Concern.

Which brings me back to the two things that Sophie taught that seem to me to be the pinnacle of everything, the crux of every matter:
1- DOING is the only way to grow. Seeing, noticing, understanding, insights, all the booby prize... only DOING kicks a person outwards and onwards, it seems.
2- ALLOWING is the only way to 'suck it up, Buttercup' and start DOING.

In this situation I'm currently in, I seem to have no control whatsoever.... I'm not in my own home, what I do is predicated on how my dad is, I'm not legally able to make any decisions for him, yet I'm legally liable if anything happens to him on my watch... I need permission to drive a car, etc. etc. etc. Which initially I find frustrating, or in other words I get frustrated because I have the expectation that I should be able to do what I want when I want to, go where I want when I want to, etc... the same stupid expectations I had back in my own home with my 'regular' life.

What is ALLOWING?
What it ISN'T, I believe, is pretending everything is just fine when it's not. It isn't pretending it doesn't bother me or hurt a little when my dad seems to know and love my sister and not me, or when he refers to me as 'that guy' (:)), or when he's angry and seemingly mean. Allowing isn't getting frustrated when the answers aren't clear. In all of these scenarios, my racket is right there, feeling 'wronged', entitled to something different.

As I look over the past month and a half that I've been here, my mind is a jumble. It's easy to feel hopeless... I don't have my coherent water here, so I'm sure I'm not hydrated. I've been surrounded by family, so I'm sure my vibration is tanked. I have limited control over the food I eat, and of course I keep thinking I must have the 'C' word going again, if no other reason than that don't believe I've learned to live authentically and close that gap as of yet, I seem to have no control over so many of these things.

As crazy as it sounds, it seems to me that the Drink your Food Challenge is the way to start where I am every day, and focus on that one thing. Why? Because there can be no movement from where I am without being present. When I'm wondering if I'm doing what I should be doing, or thinking that I'm not, I'm not present, When I have 'how I am is wrong' running constantly in the back of my head, I'm not present. When I'm present eating, there's nothing in the world than what I'm chewing, When I'm present, there's nothing in the world but what I'm doing, pulling all power into what I'm doing. There's no expectation, no waiting for an outcome, no thought of what I 'should' be doing, no feeling of being wronged. There's only what I'm doing.

Here's another interesting thing that has been occurring to me.... being present is the only way to pull all power into something and find joy in it. And if we can find joy in that thing we're doing, then we can do it because there's joy there, because we want to, because it makes us happy... which is the very essence of having one's heart in the right place.

Sophie told me once that when going through any challenge, having the attitude of 'What am I to learn from this' changes the challenge to something more like an adventure, where there are things for me to learn. That's what I'm focusing on, that's what I'm asking each day. But saying the words and becoming them are two different things, and that was my biggest obstacle with Sophie's work. So I'm seeing that BEING is one thing that I am to learn from this. BEING, and being PRESENT, to where I can find joy in what I'm doing, so that I can have my heart in the right place. And in that place, without the expectation, there is room for gratitude as well. Does that all sound crazy?

I'm just going to post this for what it's worth... Sophie used to say off & on over the time that I knew her that all of the 'gurus' had a truth value of about 1% or 10%, including that Abraham / Esther thing, but that the Abraham thing was the one that comes the closest to how things are.

A friend of mine just sent me a text excerpt from one of those talks, and It was actually kind of a reiteration of what Sophie taught - a look at how the 'shoulds' keep us from having our hearts in the right place. I thought it was interesting. They were asked for a list of what people should do.

They answered that, in the 'should', there's a backlash, because doing anything because you SHOULD do it puts you 'back in that being broken like a horse or domesticated conversation.' They said that you want to feel the INSPIRATION towards what you do, because if it's not an inspiration that you're personally feeling, then you're in bondage, because someone else is assigning to you and keeping track of it'. Ugh - it brings to mind how Sophie was always telling me that I was doing her work like homework, and that's why it wasn't 'landing'. As I look at it, I wasn't inspired, I was trying to force an outcome. Which she also used to tell me, but I could never seem to step away from it far enough to see it, because I just wanted that outcome.

They went on to talk about the word SINCERE. That when we say 'sincerity', we mean 'in harmony with the very depths of who we are'. If we mean something sincerely, we essentially mean it with the full meaning of who we are.... in other words, not to accomplish something, but because in the present moment it feels the very best to us. In that moment, we're hooked on that connection, NOT on the results. So interesting to me. Doing something for the results, for an outcome, you can't be present to the moment, so you might completely miss that connection. But if we can get hooked on the feeling and the power and the clarity and the inspiration, (i.e. if our hearts are in the right place), there won't be anything that will distract us from that.

I'm not a subscriber to that 'guru', nor would I ever want to diminish Sophie's teachings by mixing in someone else's... but she did often say that from time to time they hit on something that was as close as she'd seen 'out there' to how it really is, and for me that text was a small reminder of what Sophie tried to get through to me so many times. In the light of my current situation it seems very timely, as I've been here trying to force an outcome with my dad, rather than finding the inspiration in what I'm doing. I've definitely been looking at is as a giant 'should', actually as a 'this is what I HAVE TO do, there's no alternative'. Clearly there's another way to look at it.

I have much to do in terms of changing my attitude, and setting a context for the situation. I'll be getting back to searching Sophie articles on context, as I never did master that. I have a piece of one of her articles saved in my phone that says "When you change your mind, when you change your attitude, you want to be mindful if the new one you change into is empowering TO YOU, or not. You want it to empower you.... to give you power."

What am I to learn from this? Again, it seems, being PRESENT, ALLOWING, setting an empowering context. All the things Sophie tried to drum into my head, and perhaps most of all that it's not about ME. There is much work to do, to be sure.

I've been working on my attitude the last few days. My dad and I used to be very close, and now it seems like I'm someone he doesn't know well and doesn't like. My attitude was one of resisting him, avoiding him as much as possible, not reaching out to him. I think my attitude was all about ME- being uncomfortable, not knowing how to relate to my dad, this man that I was once so close to, me me me. I'm not proud of that - I'm ashamed to even post it.

I'm working on looking at things from his perspective, and how my actions look through his eyes... it seems like I'd be perpetuating more of that distance between us, the way that I've been relating to him.

I'm working on noticing the space between us - I'm observing that it's one of survival. My dad is struggling to survive; struggling to remember, struggling to think - he's in such a tough place. This isn't about me at all. I've been entitled and enveloped in self concern, while outwardly people think I'm doing such a great thing taking care of my dad (I'm rolling my eyes at that).

I'm going back to the Purpose of Life challenge.... what would be 'juicy'?

Initially I would say that having my dad back would be juicy. But realistically, to find a way to relate to my dad where I'm not calling any of this good or bad or right or wrong, he's just my dad and I love him... that would be juicy. To find ways to let him know I love him, to find ways to make him as comfortable as I can, to love him exactly as he is and as he isn't - that would be juicy.

Amazingly this takes me back again to being present, and pulling all of my power into the moment. When one is present, there's nothing but the moment. No expectation, no outcome dependence, no thoughts of how I 'should' be, no racket where I think I've been wronged or where I think I'm superior or inferior... there's only the thing. I'm finding that to be the challenge, to truly pull all power into what I'm doing to where those other things disappear. Which brings me back, again, to that Drink Your Food Challenge.... who knew that could be so powerful? Thinking that how I am is wrong and stewing about all of the ways I 'should' be while going about the day is just like watching TV or reading emails while I'm eating.

At any rate, I'm starting where I am, plugging away with most likely a dreadfully low vibration... but amazingly, today my dad and I did much better together. He seemed somehow to 'soften' up a bit - maybe on some level he could detect the attitude change? Or maybe just getting over myself and showing some concern for him and acknowledgement of what he's going through changed the space between us... I have so much to work on.

It never ceases to amaze me, how it happens that I click on a Sophie article and stumble upon one that is so perfectly timely for exactly where I am... I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience that regularly, as Sophie's articles seem to all still be so timely and so relevant, no matter how old they are. I guess because we as people are no different now than we were even in the earliest days of her articles.

In this case, most recently I've been traveling to my dad's business, jumping on what seems to be the most enormous learning curve because I'm in a position of having to run it, and to either turn it around or sell it.

Before I knew Sophie, I'm quite sure I would have done a swan dive head-first into this, expecting to be an expert, expecting to run it perfectly with absolutely no experience. I'm pretty sure I would have believed I was superior to the people working there, even though there are people there who have worked there for over 40 years. I'm pretty sure that the title of 'president' or 'CEO' or whatever I am would have made me feel important in one way or another. In light of that, I've been so grateful to have worked with her for the short time that I did, to where I can know without a doubt that I don't know sh*t, that I am stupid, and that stupid opens the door for learning, curiosity, and a life. I haven't accomplished anything, I'm not even well read, and most importantly I haven't DONE it.

So what is the article I'm talking about? I can't find a date on it, but it's the one where she talks about the movie called 'Something the Lord Made'. AMAZING move, a true story, and truly inspiring.

She talks in the article about being inspired... she includes an email exchange with a student who felt slighted because he was sent to lead a practice for a beginner group of a soccer team. He wanted to coach the advanced group, because it was more his level and more fun for him.

She writes:
"His ITCH, his unfulfillable desire in life is to be considered a match to anything he sets his eyes on, including coaching with barely any coaching experience. He is a beginner coach."

She continues that the ITCH puts him right smack into the desire trap.

She writes to him:

"....you look at what's happening exclusively through your own eyes, no sideways view, no compassion, no regard to anything and anyone..."

"...you either want to be a football coach, or you want to scratch your itch: either one or the other, you cannot have both, Being a coach working with the kids you get to work with.

Instead of being honored that you can change the life of a bunch of kids, you make it all about yourself, like a primadonna...a very temperamental person with an inflated view of their own talent or importance, any time ANYTHING is about you, you are on the wrong side of things...

catch it early and get on the side of things, on the side of the other.

and stop worrying about the results, the call, the coaching, anything. focus on the process, there is nothing scary about that, and you'll go far.

CATCH YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF."

This hit me like a brick... she is essentially talking about, at least in my view, having your HEART IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

I see from this whole exchange that I have done exactly the same thing that the student did.... thinking that I can step in and run the business, and that maybe finally I'll have the chance to accomplish something, earn something, be a producer, have a meaningful life, blah blah blah. Meaning I made it all about myself, like a primadonna... I've been looking at it through my own eyes, no sideways view, no compassion, no regard to anything and anyone. I didn't see it until I read the article. My heart hasn't been in the right place. I completely forgot that any time ANYTHING is about me, I'm on the wrong side of things.

Can I change the life of a bunch of kids? No. But I could potentially save the jobs of a bunch of people who have developed unique skills and expertise in their areas, who have been productive people and worked for the company for many years. That is juicy. Even juicier is that I can carry out my dad's wishes and intent for his business; what he wanted for those people. And even juicier is that I can work on it as a team with my husband.

Finding what is juicy is a reminder that the joy is in the journey. That succeed or no succeed, I'm doing this because it makes me happy. That the adventure in it is to look for what I am to learn from this. Finding what is juicy is turning the fear and even dread into excitement and even anticipation, and the willingness to declare myself stupid and start from where I am. THANK YOU, Sophie... I wouldn't have seen any of this without you.

On another note, in working on creating an attitude for the day, over the weeks I've found that there is ONE attitude to stick with, that applies to everything and is underneath everything. That new attitude is, "I will not live my life as someone who believes that how I am is wrong."

As I bash along here with my dad, I've created many different attitudes as I go, but it's become clear that my backdrop is "how I am is WRONG". It's behind or underneath everything. In order to step outside of it, I'm finding so far that this created attitude is effective. I'm sticking with this one.

But the context I've created for the business is: "I'm doing this because it makes me happy. The joy is in the journey. I can't wait to find out what there is to learn from this.'

I've never been good at creating context, so I'm open to suggestions on that.

I would love to hear what others are doing, what others are working on. I hope everyone is doing well. Miss you all.