I've been thinking about this... what would I have to give up?
I think what has kept me from being on his team is entitlement, in a couple of ways. One has been protecting myself...on the surface protecting myself from the hurt of being cheated on, but really I think what's underneath that is my ego...it's a pretty big hit to the ego to be cheated on, or at least it was to mine. I would say I've been entitled to protect my precious ego and refuse to 'give in' and acknowledge that what happened is only what happened, what happens often, what is just people doing what they do to survive, just like I do.
I've been entitled to be offended and to 'save face' by not surrendering to being on the team, which would mean surrendering to taking responsibility for myself and my life...it's been easier to be entitled to blame someone else and wait for them to fix it for me, at least easier on the surface...not in the long run. I've been in the marriage by words only, not by my actions, because that entitlement supports being wronged and wounded and staying on the surface of my relationship, not really in it. I guess I've never looked at that before. I think on top of that I haven't been certain that I wanted to stay in it.
I've never thought about presenting a unified wall to the enemy, as you put it...I just realized I've had the concept in my mind that it's 'them against me'. Ugh - I didn't see that. More entitlement, more being a victim...but with this underneath I would never think in terms of being in his corner.
I guess what I'd have to give up to be on the team is essentially my 'precious I'. So I have room to look at what my purpose to life is, what would be 'juicy', and so I have room to look at us as a unit, not the competing 'me and him' separately that I seem to be seeing, but more seeing from his point of view, and the challenges he has, and how I can get on board as a team player.
I guess the short answer is I'd have to give up being right, and being superior... the 'I know and he doesn't'...I've been hanging on to that pretty tightly. I have proven pretty thoroughly how much that does NOT result in a win-win, but it still lurks in the background as my default thing that I have to manage. Does that sound accurate?
Bring Purpose To Life
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
I danced around this but you hit it exactly in your article today...what I would have to give up is my right to punish. That's exactly what it has been, I've been occupied completely with being right and punishing the wrong-doer, and I've been unwilling to let that go because I've been entitled to it.
It's exactly as you said, the thought of letting that go felt like I was opening myself up to a world of hurt. But I can look back at years of protecting myself from that hurt, and it's been miserable. It seems that protecting yourself from misery creates misery. I guess this is what they mean by that saying 'love like you've never been hurt'. Or in my case, 'love like you're not entitled to anything'.
Giving up my right to punish. Thank you for putting that so clearly.
It's exactly as you said, the thought of letting that go felt like I was opening myself up to a world of hurt. But I can look back at years of protecting myself from that hurt, and it's been miserable. It seems that protecting yourself from misery creates misery. I guess this is what they mean by that saying 'love like you've never been hurt'. Or in my case, 'love like you're not entitled to anything'.
Giving up my right to punish. Thank you for putting that so clearly.
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
I was specifically asking being a team against 'the woman' who wants money and wants him for herself, I guess. A team, not you being the wife he should be leaving, being vulnerable to blackmail.Jodie wrote: ↑Mon Nov 20, 2023 7:40 pm I've been thinking about this... what would I have to give up?
I think what has kept me from being on his team is entitlement, in a couple of ways. One has been protecting myself...on the surface protecting myself from the hurt of being cheated on, but really I think what's underneath that is my ego...it's a pretty big hit to the ego to be cheated on, or at least it was to mine. I would say I've been entitled to protect my precious ego and refuse to 'give in' and acknowledge that what happened is only what happened, what happens often, what is just people doing what they do to survive, just like I do.
I've been entitled to be offended and to 'save face' by not surrendering to being on the team, which would mean surrendering to taking responsibility for myself and my life...it's been easier to be entitled to blame someone else and wait for them to fix it for me, at least easier on the surface...not in the long run. I've been in the marriage by words only, not by my actions, because that entitlement supports being wronged and wounded and staying on the surface of my relationship, not really in it. I guess I've never looked at that before. I think on top of that I haven't been certain that I wanted to stay in it.
I've never thought about presenting a unified wall to the enemy, as you put it...I just realized I've had the concept in my mind that it's 'them against me'. Ugh - I didn't see that. More entitlement, more being a victim...but with this underneath I would never think in terms of being in his corner.
I guess what I'd have to give up to be on the team is essentially my 'precious I'. So I have room to look at what my purpose to life is, what would be 'juicy', and so I have room to look at us as a unit, not the competing 'me and him' separately that I seem to be seeing, but more seeing from his point of view, and the challenges he has, and how I can get on board as a team player.
I guess the short answer is I'd have to give up being right, and being superior... the 'I know and he doesn't'...I've been hanging on to that pretty tightly. I have proven pretty thoroughly how much that does NOT result in a win-win, but it still lurks in the background as my default thing that I have to manage. Does that sound accurate?
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
The holidays are usually a pretty stressful time between me and my husband, because that woman puts pressure and guilt trips on him that she's all alone, and I make him feel like a failure about it by insinuating that he's weak and controlled.
I'm looking at it now in terms of how to be on his team as a unified front against her. What I would have to give up is punishing him, dragging him down, adding to his stress and making him not want to be around me any more than he wants to be around her because I'm entitled too as the victim. Today I tried keeping my opinions and advice and 'digs' out of it completely and just supporting whatever he decided to do.
At one point, while we were doing Thanksgiving with people over, she apparently sent him some texts where he felt like she was going off the deep end and he had to go see her. I just told him to do whatever he thought was the best thing to do and I'd support it. He left, and then he came back in and sat down and said he wasn't going. I didn't ask about it or comment. Later he said that the closeness we've been sharing and the support gave him some strength, and he determined he wasn't going to let her pull him away.
That was interesting & unexpected...it actually seemed like a step towards a unified front. I will keep working on this.
I'm looking at it now in terms of how to be on his team as a unified front against her. What I would have to give up is punishing him, dragging him down, adding to his stress and making him not want to be around me any more than he wants to be around her because I'm entitled too as the victim. Today I tried keeping my opinions and advice and 'digs' out of it completely and just supporting whatever he decided to do.
At one point, while we were doing Thanksgiving with people over, she apparently sent him some texts where he felt like she was going off the deep end and he had to go see her. I just told him to do whatever he thought was the best thing to do and I'd support it. He left, and then he came back in and sat down and said he wasn't going. I didn't ask about it or comment. Later he said that the closeness we've been sharing and the support gave him some strength, and he determined he wasn't going to let her pull him away.
That was interesting & unexpected...it actually seemed like a step towards a unified front. I will keep working on this.
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
How magical, how wonderful! I have tears in my eyes.Jodie wrote: ↑Thu Nov 23, 2023 3:15 am The holidays are usually a pretty stressful time between me and my husband, because that woman puts pressure and guilt trips on him that she's all alone, and I make him feel like a failure about it by insinuating that he's weak and controlled.
I'm looking at it now in terms of how to be on his team as a unified front against her. What I would have to give up is punishing him, dragging him down, adding to his stress and making him not want to be around me any more than he wants to be around her because I'm entitled too as the victim. Today I tried keeping my opinions and advice and 'digs' out of it completely and just supporting whatever he decided to do.
At one point, while we were doing Thanksgiving with people over, she apparently sent him some texts where he felt like she was going off the deep end and he had to go see her. I just told him to do whatever he thought was the best thing to do and I'd support it. He left, and then he came back in and sat down and said he wasn't going. I didn't ask about it or comment. Later he said that the closeness we've been sharing and the support gave him some strength, and he determined he wasn't going to let her pull him away.
That was interesting & unexpected...it actually seemed like a step towards a unified front. I will keep working on this.
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
Today we had what could have become a big altercation - my husband couldn't reach me for 1/2 hour or so, and he sank into a depression that I don't care about him, and if I did I would answer. I considered that irrational and my default attitude of 'I'm wronged, I'm so oppressed, he's so weak' popped up. I can see I was being entitled - I was being the arbiter, entitled to call him irrational and weak and myself superior and wronged. But my purpose is to be on the same team, and to love and appreciate him exactly as he is.
My thought was just to not escalate things by being defensive, and to also not try to force him to be more reasonable, or be condescending and make him feel worse. From his viewpoint it seemed what he needed was reassurance. I just told him that I didn't have my phone, and I hoped he wouldn't unwind all that we've built because he couldn't reach me for 1/2 hour, & I hoped that he could look at my actions recently and see that I do care. I left it at that and we hung up, I wasn't sure how that would go. He ended up calling back and apologizing, saying he didn't know why he got so unbalanced, and that was that.
I saw this as trim-tabbing, I really wasn't sure how to handle it but it seems like either his blood sugar evened out or whatever was out of balance came back into balance and fortunately my words didn't escalate things...unfortunately usually this situation becomes an ugly pissing contest for hours because I become wronged and superior and indignant (entitled), so I learned something today about how to handle this so that it stays in line with my purpose. I might have just lucked out that he came back into balance and thought about it, but I think not taking it personally, and as a teammate looking at what he seemed to be needing, is a good practice for this when it comes up again...it will be trial and error. Here again the short term quick reaction would be counter to my long-term purpose...it's HUGELY helpful to have a stated purpose that is 'juicy' to refer to before I open my mouth, to remind me of what I'm working towards and choose my words more carefully,
My thought was just to not escalate things by being defensive, and to also not try to force him to be more reasonable, or be condescending and make him feel worse. From his viewpoint it seemed what he needed was reassurance. I just told him that I didn't have my phone, and I hoped he wouldn't unwind all that we've built because he couldn't reach me for 1/2 hour, & I hoped that he could look at my actions recently and see that I do care. I left it at that and we hung up, I wasn't sure how that would go. He ended up calling back and apologizing, saying he didn't know why he got so unbalanced, and that was that.
I saw this as trim-tabbing, I really wasn't sure how to handle it but it seems like either his blood sugar evened out or whatever was out of balance came back into balance and fortunately my words didn't escalate things...unfortunately usually this situation becomes an ugly pissing contest for hours because I become wronged and superior and indignant (entitled), so I learned something today about how to handle this so that it stays in line with my purpose. I might have just lucked out that he came back into balance and thought about it, but I think not taking it personally, and as a teammate looking at what he seemed to be needing, is a good practice for this when it comes up again...it will be trial and error. Here again the short term quick reaction would be counter to my long-term purpose...it's HUGELY helpful to have a stated purpose that is 'juicy' to refer to before I open my mouth, to remind me of what I'm working towards and choose my words more carefully,
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
exactly. and because you have been, thank god, repeating it every day, it is becoming a real purpose. thank you Jodie. I am proud of you.Jodie wrote: ↑Sun Nov 26, 2023 2:49 am Today we had what could have become a big altercation - my husband couldn't reach me for 1/2 hour or so, and he sank into a depression that I don't care about him, and if I did I would answer. I considered that irrational and my default attitude of 'I'm wronged, I'm so oppressed, he's so weak' popped up. I can see I was being entitled - I was being the arbiter, entitled to call him irrational and weak and myself superior and wronged. But my purpose is to be on the same team, and to love and appreciate him exactly as he is.
My thought was just to not escalate things by being defensive, and to also not try to force him to be more reasonable, or be condescending and make him feel worse. From his viewpoint it seemed what he needed was reassurance. I just told him that I didn't have my phone, and I hoped he wouldn't unwind all that we've built because he couldn't reach me for 1/2 hour, & I hoped that he could look at my actions recently and see that I do care. I left it at that and we hung up, I wasn't sure how that would go. He ended up calling back and apologizing, saying he didn't know why he got so unbalanced, and that was that.
I saw this as trim-tabbing, I really wasn't sure how to handle it but it seems like either his blood sugar evened out or whatever was out of balance came back into balance and fortunately my words didn't escalate things...unfortunately usually this situation becomes an ugly pissing contest for hours because I become wronged and superior and indignant (entitled), so I learned something today about how to handle this so that it stays in line with my purpose. I might have just lucked out that he came back into balance and thought about it, but I think not taking it personally, and as a teammate looking at what he seemed to be needing, is a good practice for this when it comes up again...it will be trial and error. Here again the short term quick reaction would be counter to my long-term purpose...it's HUGELY helpful to have a stated purpose that is 'juicy' to refer to before I open my mouth, to remind me of what I'm working towards and choose my words more carefully,
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
Today I had to re-visit my purpose again. My husband had some challenges today, with his insecurities. I think his blood sugar highs and lows play into it as well, because he goes from happy to despair quickly.
I had my moments where I started to be condescending, but when I feel it or hear myself do it I go back to my purpose. It's not worth it to have a few moments of being condescending that ultimately derail the 'game plan'. I'm finding that so game-changing - looking at the overall purpose, the little stupid things I do are simply not worth it.
At one low point he said he didn't feel well but that I probably didn't care...which shocked me, after all the progress we seemed to be making. But the 'I was wronged' wasn't there this time, there was only looking at what we're working towards...where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is more fun together than not, and to love and appreciate him exactly as he is. At that point all I wanted to do was find out what I did that triggered that response in him, but I tend to be 'intense' and forceful with things like that. I tried just telling him that the relationship that I wanted for us doesn't include my making him feel that I don't care, and I would love to know whatever I did that triggered it so I can make sure I don't repeat it.
He ended up saying it wasn't me at all, just a feeling he got, and that he was sorry. I would love to say that was the end of it & it was a 'win', but that damn wounded indignant entitlement popped up for a moment and I made a stupid comment about how hard that was for me to hear after all the progress we'd made. I heard it come out of my mouth- it was pure entitlement, poor me working so hard at being a teammate, I'm hurt, I'm entitled to praise, not this... It's relentless. I had to roll my eyes and get over myself and move on and change the subject.
I don't think there was any chance of making progress with our relationship without this challenge, without mapping out the purpose and feeling the 'juicy' in it, and being able to use that as a compass to navigate things like this. Thank you for this, Sophie. It helps me to cut out a lot of what I was doing to tear things down, to see those things as contrary to my purpose and not worth it.
I had my moments where I started to be condescending, but when I feel it or hear myself do it I go back to my purpose. It's not worth it to have a few moments of being condescending that ultimately derail the 'game plan'. I'm finding that so game-changing - looking at the overall purpose, the little stupid things I do are simply not worth it.
At one low point he said he didn't feel well but that I probably didn't care...which shocked me, after all the progress we seemed to be making. But the 'I was wronged' wasn't there this time, there was only looking at what we're working towards...where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is more fun together than not, and to love and appreciate him exactly as he is. At that point all I wanted to do was find out what I did that triggered that response in him, but I tend to be 'intense' and forceful with things like that. I tried just telling him that the relationship that I wanted for us doesn't include my making him feel that I don't care, and I would love to know whatever I did that triggered it so I can make sure I don't repeat it.
He ended up saying it wasn't me at all, just a feeling he got, and that he was sorry. I would love to say that was the end of it & it was a 'win', but that damn wounded indignant entitlement popped up for a moment and I made a stupid comment about how hard that was for me to hear after all the progress we'd made. I heard it come out of my mouth- it was pure entitlement, poor me working so hard at being a teammate, I'm hurt, I'm entitled to praise, not this... It's relentless. I had to roll my eyes and get over myself and move on and change the subject.
I don't think there was any chance of making progress with our relationship without this challenge, without mapping out the purpose and feeling the 'juicy' in it, and being able to use that as a compass to navigate things like this. Thank you for this, Sophie. It helps me to cut out a lot of what I was doing to tear things down, to see those things as contrary to my purpose and not worth it.
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
I have to agree. People who are in this challenge forget what they are doing. Even people who signed up. You did a ton of work that other people didn't do: define EXACTLY what the purpose is. How it looks. How it feels. And most importantly: what kinds of attitudes don't fit in it. Because it only works with the strait and narrow: what doesn't fit has to go, and is more important than what does fit.Jodie wrote: ↑Wed Nov 29, 2023 12:27 am Today I had to re-visit my purpose again. My husband had some challenges today, with his insecurities. I think his blood sugar highs and lows play into it as well, because he goes from happy to despair quickly.
I had my moments where I started to be condescending, but when I feel it or hear myself do it I go back to my purpose. It's not worth it to have a few moments of being condescending that ultimately derail the 'game plan'. I'm finding that so game-changing - looking at the overall purpose, the little stupid things I do are simply not worth it.
At one low point he said he didn't feel well but that I probably didn't care...which shocked me, after all the progress we seemed to be making. But the 'I was wronged' wasn't there this time, there was only looking at what we're working towards...where communication is easy and enjoyable and life is more fun together than not, and to love and appreciate him exactly as he is. At that point all I wanted to do was find out what I did that triggered that response in him, but I tend to be 'intense' and forceful with things like that. I tried just telling him that the relationship that I wanted for us doesn't include my making him feel that I don't care, and I would love to know whatever I did that triggered it so I can make sure I don't repeat it.
He ended up saying it wasn't me at all, just a feeling he got, and that he was sorry. I would love to say that was the end of it & it was a 'win', but that damn wounded indignant entitlement popped up for a moment and I made a stupid comment about how hard that was for me to hear after all the progress we'd made. I heard it come out of my mouth- it was pure entitlement, poor me working so hard at being a teammate, I'm hurt, I'm entitled to praise, not this... It's relentless. I had to roll my eyes and get over myself and move on and change the subject.
I don't think there was any chance of making progress with our relationship without this challenge, without mapping out the purpose and feeling the 'juicy' in it, and being able to use that as a compass to navigate things like this. Thank you for this, Sophie. It helps me to cut out a lot of what I was doing to tear things down, to see those things as contrary to my purpose and not worth it.
I don't think anyone else has gotten the distinction yet.
Re: Bring Purpose To Life
I made another mistake today, something I've been doing that I hadn't noticed before.
I accidentally threw something away that we needed, and in my mind it wasn't a big deal because I could just get it out of the trash. My husband saw it differently - he saw an enormous major mistake that could have been disastrous.
In my mind there were other ways to get what I accidentally threw away even if I couldn't retrieve it, so I saw no need for panic. What I did was try to calm him down....it seemed like the 'right' thing to do, that would work towards my purpose. None of the calming worked, in fact it made things worse, so I had to look at it.
I actually thought that it worked towards my purpose to be calm and to try to make him calm, then we could both be calm and all would be well. I was wrong about that....I see that I was in reality being entitled, entitled to be the arbiter (AGAIN) - calling it wrong that he was upset and right that I wasn't, calling myself the smarter calmer one, being the one who knows, and he doesn't, so it's up to me to spread calm upon the land. I didn't see this before.
This is a pattern for me, how I do anything is how I do everything. I've done this with both husbands many times. I have seriously irritated my mom and my sister the exact same way countless times over the years. It's fine to be calm, I see that, but I became the arbiter, and I called calm 'right' and panicking 'wrong', and called myself the one to educate everybody. So arrogant...so ugly.
Worse than that I found it hard to say I'm sorry...the arrogant entitlement was hanging on. But apologizing for making light of what he had every right to consider important would work towards my purpose- that was worth the moment of eating crow.
This is one where I thought I was working towards what I want, and found that entitlement made its way in there underneath where I didn't see it - a true Opponent. I didn't see it until I explored why I was getting results opposite of what I was going for. Being stupid was the thing that enabled me to look at his point of view, and see that all I was doing was belittling something he found important. I didn't catch this in time to avoid it today, but for the first time after doing this for years I see this for what it is, more entitlement. So ugly, but a big lesson today, one that I'm sure I will revisit.
I accidentally threw something away that we needed, and in my mind it wasn't a big deal because I could just get it out of the trash. My husband saw it differently - he saw an enormous major mistake that could have been disastrous.
In my mind there were other ways to get what I accidentally threw away even if I couldn't retrieve it, so I saw no need for panic. What I did was try to calm him down....it seemed like the 'right' thing to do, that would work towards my purpose. None of the calming worked, in fact it made things worse, so I had to look at it.
I actually thought that it worked towards my purpose to be calm and to try to make him calm, then we could both be calm and all would be well. I was wrong about that....I see that I was in reality being entitled, entitled to be the arbiter (AGAIN) - calling it wrong that he was upset and right that I wasn't, calling myself the smarter calmer one, being the one who knows, and he doesn't, so it's up to me to spread calm upon the land. I didn't see this before.
This is a pattern for me, how I do anything is how I do everything. I've done this with both husbands many times. I have seriously irritated my mom and my sister the exact same way countless times over the years. It's fine to be calm, I see that, but I became the arbiter, and I called calm 'right' and panicking 'wrong', and called myself the one to educate everybody. So arrogant...so ugly.
Worse than that I found it hard to say I'm sorry...the arrogant entitlement was hanging on. But apologizing for making light of what he had every right to consider important would work towards my purpose- that was worth the moment of eating crow.
This is one where I thought I was working towards what I want, and found that entitlement made its way in there underneath where I didn't see it - a true Opponent. I didn't see it until I explored why I was getting results opposite of what I was going for. Being stupid was the thing that enabled me to look at his point of view, and see that all I was doing was belittling something he found important. I didn't catch this in time to avoid it today, but for the first time after doing this for years I see this for what it is, more entitlement. So ugly, but a big lesson today, one that I'm sure I will revisit.